pookie's killing floor

It's All Over :|

2006-05-27T12:19:00.000Z

*big sigh*

Celebrated with a 12 hour drinking session in central London - fun fun!

I'll be a lil unhappy if i don't get a first overall this year me thinks. I know i've been lazy - and i really have been LAAAAAAA-ZEEE at times, but still, i worked pretty hard for these exams and i don't think the quality of my work throughout the year was too bad either, so i shall be hoping for that first.

It's not like this year's achievements are THAT important anyway - this year weights the least outta all three and so it doesn't matter much at all my performance this year but still, it's a confidence AND EGO thing :D

>>> forgetting the marks though, this exam session has taught me loads about how best to revise etc which of course is important for the coming years and has also got my head BACK INTO THE GAME having been out for those few odd years

Compared to where i was a year ago, both academically and everything else life - IM FECKIN FLYING!!!! and loving it :D

1 MORE TO GO!!!!!!!

2006-05-18T15:59:00.000Z

And i get a whole week to revise for it! :D

But seeing as i don't actually know any of the course, that's actually a week too lil!

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

:D

:/

2 Down, 4 To Go

2006-05-10T20:53:00.000Z

Soon to be 3 down - by Friday anyway. Not going too bad thus far. Still, maths 2 will be a killer. Im just looking to pass that one!

LESSON OF THE DAY

"A force applied to a free rigid body, other than through the centre of mass, is equivalent to the force applied through the centre of mass, PLUS A COUPLE that tends to rotate the body about the axis through the centre of mass"

Er... whaaaaaaa -tah?

Typical innit? Mother fucker wasn't even acting through the fuckin centre of mass, yet somehow not only does the bitch act as though it is acting through the fuckin centre of mass, but a couple bastard comes into the mother fuckin equation too!

MUTHA -

- FUCKAH!

:D

Misconceptions Ahoy

2006-04-29T11:49:00.000Z

Taken from good old wikidpedia;

Draining bathtubs/toilets

A popular misconception is that the Coriolis effect determines the direction in which bathtubs or toilets drain, and whether water always drains in one direction in the Northern Hemisphere, and in the other direction in the Southern Hemisphere. The Coriolis effect is a few orders of magnitude smaller than other random influences on drain direction, such as the geometry of the sink, toilet, or tub; whether it is flat or tilted; and the direction in which water was initially added to it. If one takes great care to create a flat circular pool of water with a small, smooth drain; to wait for eddies caused by filling it to die down; and to remove the drain from below (or otherwise remove it without introducing new eddies into the water) – then it is possible to observe the influence of the Coriolis effect in the direction of the resulting vortex. There is a good deal of misunderstanding on this point, as most people (including many scientists) do not realize how small the Coriolis effect is on small systems.^[1] This is less of a puzzle once one remembers that the earth revolves once per day but that a bathtub takes only minutes to drain. When the water is being drawn towards the plughole, the radius with which it is spinning around it decreases, so its rate of rotation increases from the low background level to a noticeable spin in order to conserve its angular momentum (the same effect as bringing one's arms in on a swivel chair making it spin faster).

Well now you kn0w. ISNT FIZZZZ-ICKS GREAT?! :D

Note-to-self

2006-04-28T14:16:00.000Z

:- pay better attention in lectures

The number of silly little mistakes in my Classical Mechanics notes is ridiculous.

It's amazing how just raising a number to the power 2 as opposed to 3 dramatically changes the laws of Physics :|

It's Not Easy To Revise When The Sun Is Shining Outside

2006-04-26T11:11:00.000Z

And i don't even like the sun - wtf? :/

First day back at uni yesterday after a whole month off - learnt one or two things maybe so not a complete waste of time, as well as finding out where in Camden Town i'll be sitting my exams. I won't be going in for the rest of the week however - not worth it, especially as CSG was nowhere to be seen :( - i fear she has left forever. Coffee shop GUY was there yestrerday however and seemed to be happy at the sight of me - even gave me two stamps on my card as opposed to just the one - AND he remembered my order! Too bad im not gay :/

>>> alas, i fear the coffee shop dream is dead - maybe just as well - i'll always have the dream at least

Well anyway, need to get my head down now and get through Classical Mechanics revison...

AINT NOTHING TO IT, BUT TO DO IT!

shut - up

2006-04-21T14:40:00.000Z

The bird chirping outside my window is really pissing me off :|

Shut up IM TRYING TO REVISE!

Procrastination is a Bitch

2006-04-19T11:18:00.000Z

And it's surely the only reason why i'm stating that fact here.

>>> i realise it, yet i continue to type...

... hmmm.

Just spent most of the morning tidying my room. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe i convinced myself i can't work properly in such a messy environment. Meh - i doubt it's true though. Still, it's incredible the things you find buried under piles of junk. Pens and other stationary that you never knew you had or remember buying, tonnes of receipts of various purchases, again, none of which you remember buying, and the odd half full inhaler - that'll come in handy the next time i'm dying.

I'm astounded by the amount of paper junk though that always builds up in my room, that then takes ages to sort through and clear out. Receipts, cards, pakaging from parcels, bills, mail, junk mail, but mostly just paper that i've written random things on and lecture notes, problem paper rough answers etc.

>>> i need a shredder i think
>>> a quick, no fuss, no muss solution to my paper woes.

I already have a 'recycling bin' (cardboard box ive written recycling on and drawn a lil recycling symbol) but that doesn't seem to do the trick as it will always just spill over. Plus the paper is STILL THERE y'know? With a shredder, once the paper's been shredded, it's not actually paper anymore (kinda) and it's definitely much easier to discern shredded paper i no longer need from other paper that i do! Plus shredding looks like it may be fun, so that may give me the extra incentive to quickly dispose of paper i no longer need, as soon as i no longer need it, rather than just throwing it aside and letting it build up into an unholy mess which later warrants me cleaning it up and blogging about it at a time when i really should be revising :/

Yea - a shredder is the way to go.

I'll pick one up sometime. When? I dunno - some time soon.

Just not right now.

For Tomas

2006-04-19T00:12:00.000Z

Cos he said he wanted to read something new!

Nothing much to report. Big goings on in my life right now are the exams which start in 2 weeks time, and i've yet to revise for 5 of the 6 exams! OMFG - i'm so lazy :|... :)

>>> i forsee loadsa late nights ahead - oh well, it's all part of the fun of being at university, and i am definitely enjoying my time!

When i think back to the way my life was just a year ago and how much i've managed to turn it around for the better now, it makes me... glad more than anything else. Life is too short to sit about doing fuck all. Too much to see, do, explore, ... perv on ;)

Even though revision has been lacking, i'm ecastic to report that i have kept up my strict gym regime these revision holidays, although things didn't start so well what with my shoulder suffering a strained tendon injury. Luckily i heeded the sports doc's advice and managed to work through it and now everything's fine.

>>> i think i'm in pretty damn good shape now to sport a few muscle tee's for all the lovely girlies when i get back to uni - one girlie in particular - haa hee hee! :D I just hope she's still there! I won't have seen her for almost 2 months by the time i get back to uni next week

>>> INDEED - i'm only going in for the chance to see her - i'm not too keen on attending the revision lecs for the sake of themselves as i haven't revised like i sad :/

Hmmmmm - dunno what else to say now. Hopefully that'll keep Tomas entertained for another few months :) - i've been a notty blogger i know - i think the crappy froggy template put me off a lil :/. I'll prob start blogging more once the summer hols hit - i'll need something to help break up the boredom of work no doubt.

Damn i wish i wasn't so lazy sometimes! Life would be so sweet right now if i was on top of revision. It's pretty good right now as it is, bit sigh... i need to get my act together already when it comes to academics!

Well, its almost 1:30am - time to get some sleep and then hit the books hard tomorrow. No gym on Wednesdays either so that'll free up more time to study! YIPPPEEEEEEEEEE!!!!.... (!) :/

Night night.

The next morning....

Forgot to say

>>> i'm going to go see MAIDEN on December 22nd!!!!!!!!!!!!

A nice lil something-something to look forward to :D

Skipping Uni Today

2006-01-27T07:47:00.000Z

I just can't bear the thought of going in today given how absolutely freezing cold it is out there. Not for two lectures, one of which i never learn much in any way and the notes are on the web in any case. Although i did have a lab report to hand in which will be late now :/.

I dunno. I hate that i am weak like this sometimes. I've been in a foul and down and out mood since yesterday and that has carried forward today. When i get like this, i just wanna shut the world outside out and just stay in listening to my music and watching my movies in a warm comfortable house. And the only time i will be able to afford that luxury is whilst i'm still at uni. I certainly don't intend on making a habit outta it but i still hate that i need that kinda respite from life from time to time. Like i said, makes me feel weak. But then skipping the occasional lecture and handing in the occasional lab report late - isn't that what being a student is all about? Does it make a bad student? I don't neccesarily think so - i've so far managed to nail each and every one of the problem sheets set this term on time. Plus this is like one lab report outta a whole lab module which adds only a fraction to my final degree...

... if i think like that of course, then no one problem sheet or essay or assignment is important and i could talk myself outta skipping them all :|

Sounds like i'm just making excuses to justify me being lazy. Justify me being weak.

I just don't wanna face the world today, that's all.

>>> time to d/l the next episode of LOST and watch that instead

- hope my ISP don't stick me onto 'management' again for p2p'ing during peak times :|

Imagine If I Told You

2006-01-21T17:14:00.000Z

I've been sneezing in the mornings for the last week or so gone. Most likely owing to my 6am winter morning runs. Of the many prophetic indian sayings my mum often comes out with, one reads "whenever you sneeze, someone, somewhere is thinking of you".

Everytime i've sneezed, i've imagined CSG thinking of me. I hope she is thinking of me.

She herself must surely be on antihistamines by now given that she is on my mind morning, day and night. This is so not how i wanted things to go. I really hope i snap outta this 'mood' some time soon, else i'm gonna be in big trouble. It's already started to affect me in funny ways.

... sigh...

"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Maiden"

2006-01-15T17:29:00.000Z

Ahhh crap :(

Coffee Shop Girl

2006-01-12T22:46:00.000Z

Retail Therapy - MAIDEN Style!

2006-01-11T21:29:00.000Z

Been in a funny, pissy mood the last few days, and being the woman i am, i decided i'd SHOP to make myself feel better :/. So... bought a plant for my room and a very cool new bracelet to replace the one i lost at the Science Museum all those months ago. Been on the look out on-and-off for one that i liked and this one i hope will be as good as i think it is - if that makes sense (fashion and fashion sense are a very weird thing with me - it's hard to explain, although i'm in no way some kinda fashion victim or wannabe or show-off for that matter!).

It is pretty cool but wish it didn't have that lil bit of 18ct gold on it though >>> not only does it push the price up stupidly high, but i absolutely HATE GOLD on jewellery! But it is only a lil bit of gold on an otherwise very chic and unique piece of eye candy - stainless steel 'rods' with rubber! Italian design. Would've preferred titanium or zirconium build but unfortuneately i don't like... own the world or anything and so have things like... built exactly the way i want, like... down to the last atom... :|.

Damn.

But anyway, thats not what i'm most happy about. I remembered that AGES ago i had seen this really cool Eddie figure on Ebay for sale, one which i had never seen before on any other site or anywhere else. I checked back today, and there was still one for sale! And now that i have some cash to spend (although not for long the way i'm going - so much for that new year's resolution) i bought me it!!!!!! It's almost 6 inches in height and will look great sitting on my table surrounded by the many MAIDEN posters i already have adorning the walls of my room!!!!!

You'll take my life but I'll take yours too
You'll fire your musket but I'll run you through
So when you're waiting for the next attack
You'd better stand there's no turning back!!!

Can't wait for this it to arrive!!!! But i just know what the parental units will say, and it certainly won't be "Arash! WOW - that's so cool! AND OH SO GROWN UP OF YOU! Well done on spending your money wisely! Good boy!"

Bugger!

2006-01-05T20:07:00.000Z

Since getting a 24" WS LCD monitor (yea baby!) and switching the native resolution of my system up to 1920x1200, this blog looks like UTTER CRAP!

It looked great before (well, i thought so!) and probably still does for most people with 'normal' resolutions, but i've gotta do something here else i won't wanna ever blog again!

ALAS, i'll try my best to try and sort the template out, but i fear my HTML skills aren't up to the task - i fluked my way through it the first time round by trial and error in any case.

HMMM - what i think i'd ideally like to do is to set a wallapaper that is 1920x1200 in size, and then have the html resize and fit it to match the resolution of others. CAN I DO THAT or is that not really something that's possible???

If there are any HTML buffs out there who stumble across this and could help me out, i'd appreciate it loads! :)

OH - and here's a pic of my new desktop - 1920x1200 and 500kB+ !

>>> sooooooooooooooooo mcuh space to roam! I feel as though i'm gonna get lost! LOL! OK - i'll quit showing off now :)

PEACE!

Life Is But a Game

2006-01-01T16:22:00.000Z

Neverwinter Nights is sucking up all my time, like it did all that time (years?) ago. And there's a week of holidays left and i still have THREE problem sheets and TWO pieces of coursework to do (still have? i wasn't aware i had actually done any!).

BLOODY HELL

Fuckin annoying game! I NEED TO FINISH IT THOUGH!!!!!!!

{sigh}

Oh, Happy New Year... :/... :)

Oh-KAY

2005-12-25T21:39:00.000Z

I'm bloody lazy - it's that simple.

There's a TONNE of stuff that i have and have had to blog about lately (and not just bitching posts!), such as drunken nights out with friends in central London and other such fun FUNs, but i'm just too lazy!

Still - thought i'd make the effort as it's xmas.

So....

... wishing everyone a very MERRY XMAS and an AWESOME NEW YEAR!!!

Unless i don't like you. In which case i don't wish you anything - i certainly won't be wishing you a bad new year or anything either - no, you're just not worth it - i dislike you that much. Not hate - you're not worth that either. You're scum - you deserve nothing...

... you know who you are - stoooopid bitch :)

I should make that an official New Year's Resolution i think

>>> to not hate anyone - just to be totally indifferent towards those that wrong me - i need to save my time and energy for the ppl i actually care about - it wouldn't be fair to those whom i love and myself to waste said time and energy hating those i don't care for.

Well any-who, with that lil caveat in mind...

MERRY XMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Tonight For Your Listening Pleasure, We Shall Bring You Some Heavy Metal, Some Death Metal... And... Some COCK ROCK"

2005-12-04T20:13:00.000Z

That's how Mikael Åkerfeldt (vocalist/guitarist) introduced his group Opeth last Wednesday night - hee hee! Oh, and what a night it was! I'm so glad i went - big thanks to Oli and Anand for nagging me into it all those months ago :)

Sigh... what can really be said? I mean it was a great show. Simple as. The Opeth guys put on a 2 hour show that was just amazing. Performances were broken up by Mikael Åkerfeldt's comedic performances which i didn't expect and was hugely impressed by.

"There are alotta gimmicks in Death Metal, and just like you guys, i bought it all and fuckin love it!"

It was great to see that the Opeth guys don't take themselves or the whole Death Metal 'scene' so seriously. They're just normal guys (with long hair), going out and doing what they enjoy. That's it. Indeed, some of the nutters i saw in the crowd certainly live up to the whole stereotypical death metal image much moreso than the Opeth guys do. I mean that's fair enough - if they want to do that then that's cool. But my point being that me, as someone who turned up to a death metal gig in jeans and a sweater, and in my Avril-Lavigne-esque-ska8r-boi sneeks, it's just great seeing that Opeth themselves don't give a sh!t about any of that.

>>> on the note of nutters, death metal female fans are the HOTTEST! Oh my... dark clothes and evil looking make-up and the like may sound scary, but it just made me horny as hell! Hee hee.

So yea - Opeth started their performance at 9pm, and went on all the way until just after 11pm. Warming up for them was another Swedish metal group called BURST - final verdict: at least they tried :). After BURST there was the BRITISH black/death metal group called AKERCOCKE

>>> these guys were GOOD!

One of Oli's friends who was with us informed us that Akercocke's 'gimmick' was that they all performed wearing suits. In this performance only the vocalist and the keyboardist were in a shirt and tie (not even a full suit!) so i felt a lil cheated! :/... :). Anyway, like i was saying, i really enjoyed the performance these guys put on - really energetic with some insane headbanging and windmilling going on - hee hee! I looked these guys up the other day, and took a listen to their latest album - now i never thought that black metal was my thing, but i can honestly say that Akercocke are damn good - i've been listening to them almost non-stop all weekend!

AK-KER-COCK-KEEE!!!!!!!!!

>>> apprently they're Satanists, a reference Mikael Åkerfeldt made about them jokingly during one of his comic interludes

Stand-out performances by Opeth were the two tunes off their latest album - The Baying of the Hounds, and The Great Conjuration - everyone just went CRAZY when the intro to The Great Conjuration started playing - oh... it was just ORGASMIC! And i cannot believe that when Opeth returned to chants of "Opeth! Opeth! Opeth!" for their encore, that they performed Demon of the Fall!

>>> that's the FIRST EVER Opeth tune i listened to, and to this day is still one of my personal favs!

To hear that being performed live was just unbelivable. I had been saying to Anand's sis beforehand that i hoped they would perform that and just when i thought the night had come to an end, they come back to perform it as the encore - hee hee!

Well anyway - that was that. Great evening - one i won't easily forget. It was a great 'cultural' experience too - those death metal dudes may look scary what with their hair and piercings and evil stares etc, but they're not really :). Oh, and i definitely have a new found respect and love for Opeth after seeing just what nice guys they all really are :)

Can't wait to go see them again!!!!!

Just Got Back

2005-12-01T00:40:00.000Z

My ears are ringing like mad and i'm a lil buzzed off all the second hand toke.

Which reminds me - i'm starving.

Good night.

Wow...

2005-11-29T22:57:00.000Z

... i haven't posted in AGES.

Oh well. Not much to tell - just the usual saga and never ending lustings after coffee shop girl.

Oh, but there is THIS...

WEDNSDAY 30th NOVEMBER, 2005, 19:00, KENTISH TOWN - OPETH!

>>> should be AWESOME!!!

But i am a lil weary - death metal fans aren't exactly a 'well behaved' bunch. Oh well - i should be able to hold my own... i hope!

I shall report back in due course!

GOOD NIGHT!

She's Back!

2005-11-07T18:09:00.000Z

All of last week i desperately was missing one essential thing to go along with my daily cup of coffee - coffee shop girl! I didn't see her at all, all of last week :(... i feared she may have left and was praying she was simply on holiday or something. Turns out she probably was, as today when i went in, there she was - smiling and polite and nice as always - hee hee!

For once i think i actually smiled back at her like a normal human being without coming across as some kinda idiot. Well, at least i hope so :/

Oh... 100th post!!! w00t!!!

Bowling Tourney, PART II

2005-11-06T20:17:00.000Z

Yesterday evening was the second leg of the bowling tournament between the MEATEATERS (aka TEAM SINGH) and the VEGGIEMITES. The Veggies beat us 3-0 straight in the first leg a month ago, but last night we had our revenge as we throughly whooped their asses in a 3-0 white wash. We were thirsty for revenge, yes indeedy! I think our vigour and determination somewhat surprised and caught the other team off guard. I don't think they excpected it to be so one-sided. "You guys have been practicising haven't you?!" - no! In their desperation, they even resorted to 'put off tactics'... "Come on Arash!!!"... :|. To be fair though, we started it i guess - lol.

All my team members put in SOLID performances, with Nav showing a HUGE improvement in his game and indeed led our team in scoring for the first two games. I put in a pretty pathetic performance, not even managing to break 100 in any game (i'm so ashamed), but admittedly i did bowl 'ok'. Certainly the number of gutter balls were down from last time and the number of strikes and spares i picked up are on the increase. I'm slowly getting better - i hope the trend continues. Certainly i felt as though i had the hang of things in the third and final game (maybe because there was no longer any pressure on us to win).

Looking forward to the third leg of the tourney next month - then we will finally see who is the better team! Can't wait! Throughly enjoyed myself last night, as i did a month ago and am very much looking forward to more bowling fun and action!!!!! :D

What really made my evening though was Nav saying "you've been down the gym, haven't you?!"... indeed i have bruv :)

Ended the night by having a toke with my bro at 12-30 in the morning. Probably a bad idea to do so when so late and tired, as all that happens is that you get sleepy and wanna go to bed. Hence, one isn't able to take advantage of the high - although i did manage to eat loadsa choc before passing out, something i deeply regret now, seeing as how i'm on my diet and trying desperately to hit my goal of 230lbs before the year is out! These last 10lbs are proving a mother fucker to shed :/. Still, i don't get high very often so it's ok i guess. Certainly the choc tasted gorgeous and i had the best deep sleep i've had for a long time.

The Big Lebowski. What a great movie to watch whilst stoned.
"What's a great movie?"
Shut the fuck up Donnie!

... :)

So Much for the Perfect Week

2005-10-30T23:48:00.000Z

Nevermind the perfect week, just a mediocre or even just slightly above god awful week will do. An absolutely hellish week this week gone was.

"Things happen all the time that aren't within my control,"

Just to illustrate my own point to me, the powers that be made me late for uni every single day, ensuring that it took me 3 hours to get into London Wednesday, and another 2 and a half hours to get back home. All the while travelling in the fashion of livestock. I seriously hope i never have to deal with that kinda stress for the rest of my life. I'd rather not catch foot and mouth disease as a result of being up close and personal with some sweaty heifer, thankyouverymuch

Maybe it's not so much the powers that be that i should be blaming as the assole fat cat train operator company owners.

SIGNAL FAILURE.

The number of times signal failures have fucked people up royally on the tube and trains is amazing.

"The circle line eastbound is running with severe delays due to a signal failure at Edgeware Road"

"Services to and from London Paddington are subject to severe delays due to a signal failure at Reading"

Some serious questions need to be put to someone. First and foremost, wtf are these signals? Why do they keep failing? AND, if these signals are so imperative to the running of this country's train and tube network, then WTF aren't there some kinda backups in place?!

SIGNAL FAILURE...

... signal FAILURE...

FAILURE of the FUCKIN SIGNAL!

Next time i hear that announced over the tannoy, i'm gonna go postal on the ass of the nearest member of staff.

It's all BS. As simple as that.

So yea - fuck the perfect week. From now on it'll be more than enough for the trains to just run. On time would be a much welcome bonus, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

But you know what? As bad as this week was, it would've been a hell of a lot worse had i not had coffee shop girl to keep my mind pre-occupied with warm, fuzzy thoughts :). I cam't believe i'm still swooning over her - i'm so dumb. Meh - if it makes you happy and no one is getting hurt by it, then what's the harm? None. Just as long as i remember to keep things in perspective.

Maybe she's the reason why i've suddenly developed this strong urge to listen to indie?

Meh.

Death Cab for Cutie are cool!

Good night.

The End To a Tiring Week

2005-10-28T19:42:00.000Z

I just dozed off in my chair, listening to the DOVES and BRUCE DICKINSON... thinking warm, fuzzy thoughts about coffee shop girl :)

The 'Perfect' Week

2005-10-23T01:21:00.000Z

I don't think there is such a thing as the 'perfect' week, even though i've sure as hell been hung up on trying to live one out.

Regardless of living out the 'perfect' week, i need to change my attitude towards uni that's for sure. I'm in danger of screwing it up if i don't start to do the work on a regular basis and in GOOD TIME. Two nights now i've been up till the early hours of the morning trying to do problem sheets that i had been given an entire week to do, that i decide to start 10pm the night before they're due in. Sure they're easy now, but the work will only get tougher and so need more thought/time than 10pm study sessions allow.

And i've totally neglected my morning runs this week gone. Boosted by the fact i've been losing weight at a steady pace and scared off by the early morning bad weather and cold, coaxed into lying in my comfy bed instead. Sigh... stupid boy.

Tough it up. Life is hard. You wanna sort out the gym routine and uni? Then be prepared to sweat it out.

This coming week won't be 'perfect'. Things happen all the time that aren't within my control, but having said that, alotta things are well within my control. As long as give it my all this coming week, both at uni and in the gym, then i can look back on a productive week and be happy with all that i've achieved. Afterall, THIS is my life right now. Wake up, go into central London for uni, come home, go to the gym, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat! It may sound pretty depressing, but it's not really. I need time to get back on top of all the things that i've let slip the last few years and this my chance. There is plenty of free time in there for me to go have fun and socialise with friends - PLENTY, so i have no need to feel down. (and of course, there's always coffee shop girl)

I need to quit hogging the music so much as well - i listen to way too much music, especially when i oughtta be studying.

"Just one more song and then i'll hit the books"

It never works out that way :/

Arrgghh!!!!! ... still, i do so love my music. But as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder :)

Anyway, time for bed. I have a busy day ahead of me - need to mentally rest and prepare for the talk i'll be giving to my tutor group - "The Miracle of Sex and the Virtues of Fellatio" ... can't wait to see how that is received tomorrow, especially by the female members of the audience - mu hee hee :D

Have a great week people. I hope yours is as perfect as i intend to make mine :)

Mister T. Knows All

2005-10-19T18:03:00.000Z

Woke up to a FECKIN' cold Wednesday morning today - rainy and gloomy as well, and i usually love the rain. I just couldn't be arsed to get outta bed and go for my 6am run - just lay in bed listening to DEATH CAB and MAIDEN for an hour instead whilst all huddled up nice and warm in bed :) - such a GREAT feeling, isn't it?

Finally got my arse outta bed to go make breakie. Made sure to wrap up warm.

After eating, i came back upstairs to check daily net things and listen to yet more music - 45mins left till i had to be outta the house (that doesn't give me nearly enough time to mentally prepare for a crappy day), and make my way to the train station. Was dreading the commute into London even moreso than usual today as traffic/travel report on news had said that engineering works were delaying trains into London from my home-town onwards :( - plus it was FECKIN' COLD!

Tamoor was online. 3am back in NYC (silly boy). He asked me how coffee shop girl was;

"She wasn't in yesterday and i can't be arsed to go into uni today cos it's cold and i'm annoyed so i won't see her again"

"She will be there today - go in"

And guess what? I 'braved' the cold and gloom, went in, and SHE WAS THERE TODAY! - looking beautiful and smiling as always. My order today cost £5-something and i only had change on me - i counted out 6 pound coins and placed them in her hand AND OUR HANDS TOUCHED! :D

She has the SOFTEST hands ever :) - i got this lovely warm, gooey feeling inside me at that moment and straight after when she returned me my change, smiled and said "thank you".

Sigh.... :)

On a related not, i had 2 Frappe Latta's today - now i feel light headed and sick :/

See, love or rather lust, makes one SICK.

blah.

I PITY THE FOOL WHO FALLS IN LOVE!

"Early To Bed, Early To Rise..."

2005-10-18T08:54:00.000Z

The early to rise part i have down ok, although i don't think it's such a good idea waking up to my music. Instead of 'jumping' out of bed, i'll just lie there, listening to the songs and so waste a good 10/15 minutes. However, this week gone (and the other weeks since uni started) i've been going to bed pretty late and so the net result of that and waking up early is that i've been pretty tired on the whole.

Ok - let's try and aim to be in bed by 11-45pm every night. On the premise it will probably take me 15mins to fall asleep and that i wake up at 6am, that oughtta give me a nice, full 6 hours every week night (can afford to lie in somewhat on the weekends of course). 6 hours is sufficient. Well - it's better than 5/4 hours which definitely aren't doing me right.

Pictures

2005-10-15T21:19:00.000Z

I really like pictures, particular pictures of 'scenary', be it an urban city scape or a picture of a more 'nature' type. Unfortunately i suck at taking good pictures - lack of both an imagination and skill, neither short coming i seem to want to fix at the moment.

Dong and Nick probably sparked my interest in pictures a year or so back. Both love sending me their snaps from holidays or wherever they may happen to roam. They seem to carry their cameras with them everywhere it would seem. In Nick's case, his tripod too :/... :)

Anyway, the other day Nick sent me a few pictures that took in his University's woodland park (or something) up in Scotland. I thought i would share a few of them here as i thought they were pretty cool. That, and i really don't have anything better to talk about right now. Well actually, i kinda do, but i don't know whether it's laziness or apathy or what that stops me from wanting to blog as of late. Mental fatigue? Maybe... it's the excuse i've been using lately for not keeping on top of daily chores and exercise etc. Or maybe i'm just sick and tired of hearing myself bitch and whine all the time. I don't want this become pookie's bitching floor!

Nevermind all that now - picture time! :)

This is a picture of some 'freaky tree' apparently. This shrunken down version doesn't do the original of HUGE res picture any justice. In that one, you can clearly make out the focal plane.

Another nice picture. On the original, you can make out what very much looks like an insect sitting on the leaf. Two insects infact.

I look forward to receiving more interesting pictures from my dear friends.

Coffee Shop Girl

2005-10-13T22:38:00.000Z

Coffee shop girl has a beautiful smile.

She is soft-spoken and is always so nice and polite in her manner when she addresses you. And of course, coffee shop girl always smiles :)

I can't wait for lunchtime to roll round tomorrow.

Oh Yea!

2005-10-04T21:24:00.000Z

Just had a pretty good bicep session in the gym just now. Yesterday i hit a new chest and tricep rep high as well, and all this comes after almost a month out the gym, following an illness last week and a drinking binge over the weekend!

It's a great feeling to realise that I have reached that level of fitness now where my body can take a licking, but still keep on ticking! ;). And you know what? I should be able to boast about it! It's 'ONLY' taken me almost an entire year of hard work both in the gym and in the kitchen to get myself out of that horrible state i had let myself fall into in the years after i left uni :/... :).

Speaking of uni, had a pretty good day today. Yesterday i was rather dismayed and disheartened by everything i experienced - UCL is a damn good uni, but it is no Imperial. The feel of the place and the work-load is quite different and well, it just didn't sit too well with me. But i think that'll slowly change as the work actually starts to pile up and i feel myself being pushed and as i get into the groove of being back in higher education again :)

Ahhhh... :)

Time to sit back and just let those endorphins do their thing. NATURAL HIGH baby - it beats the pants off any alcohol or toke induced high ANY DAY! (ok ok - but that's what i've gotta tell myself, for the next lil while at least - else my recreational drug use is in danger of getting outta control as i try and find more ways to kill the daily stresses of life :/)

PEACE and HUGGLES.

Email To Friends

2005-10-01T17:09:00.000Z

Just sent an email to friends from work, talking about how my first week at uni had been. I thought i may as well paste it here as it pretty much sums up what's been going on this last week. And be thankful! I wouldn't have bothered posting anything otherwsie. I just can't seem to get into the mood to blog these days - i just don't know why. Maybe it's because of the fear of coming across asbeing incredibly droil and boring, which would hardly be surprising i suppose. Afterall, my life IS boring right now. Sure it's exciting for me, as it's the first time in ages that i've actually had something useful and worthwhile to do, and so i'm excited just at the prospect of that, but from an outsider's point of view - it's just boring! I'm sure that in a few months or indeed weeks time, once everything has become routine for me too, i'll also be fed up with it all :/.

Meh. It has to be done though so what can i say?

So yea - pasted below is the email i just finished sending to Millie (a COOL 40-odd year old grandmother) and Anl (the girl with whom i've been infatuated for some time now despite the fact she is MARRIED!!!! - you silly boy), whom i know from work and have become good friends with. Good friends are hard to come by and i think worth making the effort to hold on to.

Dear Millie and Anl,

Hello! How are you guys? I hope you’re both really well. Congratulations to you Millie on being a grandmother again. Have you come up with a name yet? I hope he is fine and doing well. It really was a shame that neither you nor Manav couldn’t make it to bowling last weekend. I had a great time - I think everyone really loved it. I told Anl to make sure she rubbed it in about how much fun we all had when she got back to work! :)

Well, first week of uni is over, and I remember Millie telling me to let her know how things were getting on, so I thought I had better, in fear of being bullied by her again next time I see her!

Nothing really big has happened so far. This first week was just an introduction to the university, department and lecturers and tutors. The actual lecture courses start from the coming Monday. Also, I had to enrol into the university this week else I wouldn’t be allowed to attend! Had to fill in and sign loads of forms and have my picture taken for my university pass etc. All the usual annoying formalities. I’m so glad that’s all over with because it was a serious pain in the ass having to line up with a thousand other students to get it all done in time!

So yea – I’ve been shown around the department, seen where and with whom I’ll be studying and what I’ll be studying. There are about a hundred and fifty students on my course this year, and I am one of only fourteen people who are studying Medical Physics as opposed to straight Physics. This means that as well as being taught by the Physics department, I am also taught by the “Medical Physics and Bioengineering” department. This is great for one main reason – the Medical Physics and Bioengineering department have just relocated to a BRAND NEW BUILDING that was just completed a few months ago. All the facilities are BRAND NEW, and as I’m also taught in the department, I am allowed to make use of all the new facilities. In particular the new lunch room which HAS A MICROWAVE! So of course I can bring my own lunch from home and heat it up like I used to do at the hospital! Plus, the Medical Physics department’s lunch room is MUCH less heavily used than the Physics lunchroom, so it will be much less busy and more comforting to be in. I’m really happy about that fact :)

As I’m taught by two different departments, I also get two different tutors. I met my main Physics tutor on Friday. I had about a 40min chat with him about things in general. He seems like a really fun and interesting guy which is good. Nothing worse than having a really serious tutor who is all about the work and just ends up making you feel stupid and inferior. He actually asked me what my situation was with coming to university as he guessed I was more ‘mature’ than the usual first year student. I knew people would know! Oh well, I don’t mind too much I guess, although not many people have made the effort to talk to me. As I had feared, I am kinda the ‘outsider’. As I’m older than all the other 18 year old KIDDIES, and the fact I’m not living at university, means I haven’t bonded with anyone. Whilst cliques and groups of friends have already formed now, I’m one of the few people who sit alone in the lecture theatre :(. It’s not too bad though – I’m not actually sad about it as I don’t really mind. I kinda like being different :). Besides, I’m not totally alone. My brother is at the same uni of course. He is working in the hospitals this year though so I won’t bump into him walking about the university, ALTHOUGH I did this week! This week is the only week he’ll be having lectures instead of being at the hospital, so on Tuesday afternoon I met up with him and one of his lady friends (the one he is ALWAYS talking about and ‘likes’) and had lunch with them at a coffee shop. That was good fun hanging out with him and getting to meet some of his friends. He actually invited me out to a party last night, but I was too tired and just went home instead. So like I said, I’m not totally alone here and I’m sure that as time goes on and I get to know people through working with them in lab and in tutorials that I’ll make a few friends. I just can’t stop thinking of them all as STUPID LIL KIDS though :/. Hee hee.

I actually fell ill on Tuesday. Caught flu or cold or something that knocked me off my feet. I haven’t been ill like that for a really long time so that was annoying. I forced myself to travel into London on Wednesday afternoon as I had to sort out the enrolment, but I missed the morning lectures and lunch with the lecturers and tutors. Then on Thursday I just spent half the day in bed and didn’t go into uni at all and missed the lab introductions. It wasn’t too bad though. I let my departmental course tutor know, and he told me whom to see about getting up-to-date on the few important things I had missed out on. One being which lab group I would be in. Much like my last university, lab work is HUGELY IMPORTANT. This first year I’m expected to do 7 hours of lab work a week – 2 three and a half hour sessions in the afternoons! Arrggh! I hate lab! Oh well, it must be done.

My timetable for this term isn’t too bad actually. Certainly it’s more relaxed than my last university, as I had suspected and hoped and that’s great. Monday to Thursday, lectures start at 10am. Friday is the only early start at 9am. I finish everyday at about 5-5.30pm, except Wednesdays, which are always ‘half-days’ – I finish at 12pm on that day. Anyway, the 10am starts are great news for me as it means I can still get up at about 6am, go for a run, have a shower, eat and leave at about 8-30am. It only takes an hour to get into university by train and tube if everything is running on time. I’ve been lucky this week as I’ve missed the evening rush hours, so I’ll have to see what that’s like this coming week. I haven’t started to mind all the travelling yet, but like I said I’ve avoided the rush hours and I suspect that after a few weeks/months, it’s going to get stressful :(. Sigh… never mind. I also need to buy an ipod or something so that I’m kept ‘entertained’ during my journey. At the moment I have nothing to do except stare at other people or look out the window :/. Friday on the way into uni, I was staring out the window and started to think about you guys at the hospital and wondered what you were all talking about and doing. Made me a lil sad. It’s funny though – my time at the hospital seems so long ago now even though it’s only been like two and a bit weeks.

But yea... if I want to buy my ipod I’ll need MONEY! And speaking of which – I HAVEN’T BEEN PAID YET BY THE HOSPITAL! I’m annoyed! They should’ve paid me by now. I won’t have time this coming week to phone up and sort it out myself, so can I ask one of you guys to ask Anita to look into it for me please? I’m still owed money for the work I did in August and then at the end of this month, I’m supposed to be paid again for the few odd weeks I worked last month in September before leaving. Please please please ask Anita to sort it out – I need my money!!!!!!! :)

Hmmm… I seem to have been rambling for a while now. Think it’s time to stop before I put you guys to sleep.

Say hello from me to Manav and the others. I hope everyone there is doing fine and is well. Do email me from time to time. I won’t ever be so busy that I can’t reply. It’s always a pleasant surprise getting emails from friends and helps break up a usually boring and routine day. I’d like to know for example when Millie passes her driving test :) and how Anl’s law degree situation is moving along. Oh, and I’ll be sure to let you guys know when I discover the next big thing in science and become rich and famous! Hee hee :D … ;)

Ok – I’ll shut up now.

Bye guys! Hope to hear from you soon.

Take care,

ARASH

Sad Sunday

2005-09-25T21:18:00.000Z

I don't seem to be in the mood to blog lately. Not sure why. There is certainly no shaortage of things to talk about. Indeed, alotta things going on with me lately, moreso than for a long time now. Alotta different things i'm feeling too as a result.

Still - i don't really wanna talk too much about it.

Last night i went bowling with people from work for a work-mate's leaving party - that was alotta fun. It was my first time bowling and i really enjoyed myself. Gave a lift too to the girl i have a crush on :). Then on way back i raced the other guys - mu hee hee. I would've looked really damn cool in my freshly cleaned beema gleaming in the midnight moonlight, going at insane speeds, if it wasn't for the fact i stalled the bloody car! I laughed - you gotta be able to laugh at yourself - i just hope the others saw it the same way and didn't think i was an idiot or anything :/.

Got home and got high with my bro - couldn't lift my arms - more fun!

Gave my bro a lift into London this evening - traffic was hell. Drove past the uni i'll be attending for the next 3 years, starting TOMORROW.

9-45am - Massey Lecture Theatre - intro to the department and the course.

I'm pretty scared and nervous.

I'm sad.

I miss the guys from work :(, especially her.

I feel so terribly alone right now, but i know i'm not.

I dunno.

I'm a weirdo.

Anyway, i had better read up a few things and fill in and sign a few forms for registration.

Wish me luck!

Oh Arash... You Silly Boy

2005-09-17T10:59:00.000Z

After 8 months of hard exercise and hitting the gym and eating clean (most of the time!) i finally have gotten back into what can pass as half decent shape (well, a lil better than that! ;) ). I was looking at myself in the mirror the other morning, and even the love handles have noticabley shrunk! I'm much stronger and trimmer than i was 8 months ago - i have made progress!

It's a damn shame then that the entire last week i've let things slip - not eating and when i do eat, eating absolute junk and not doing any exercise at all. Now one week alone won't have too much of a negative effect - it certainly won't undo all that i've achieved, but the point still remians that i've let myself slip.

And why have i let myself slip? As much as i hate to say it, it's because PEOPLE have saddened me. I am a VERY sensitive person - i really wish i wasn't this 'sensitive' - OVERLY SENSITIVE. I take too many lil things too much to heart.

To cut a long story short (for now), i blew up and had a huge argument with people at work. They had been very discourteous and ill-mannered towards me (at least as i saw it) and i had reached my limit and patience with them - i had to let them all know how i felt about it. Well so yea - i blew up - had an argument and then subsequently felt really bad about it all. I've since made an amends with everyone - i mean i always genuinely liked them all and considered them all to be friends and even the best of friends fight right? - and am feeling ok about it all now. I will be meeting up with quite a few of them next weekend for a fellow co-worker's leaving party infact and am really looking forward to it even if i have never bowled before :)

But the fact still remains that they whole thing really messed my mood up way more than it should have. I lost both my appetite and my sex drive as a result. So i didn't eat properly for a while and also didn't hit the gym (a healthy sex drive equates to me wanting to look good which subsequently gives me the motivation to get my ass into the gym).

Like i said, a week (and a bit) of bad habits isn't going to mess things up very much, but i'm just annoyed that i let such 'minor' things affect me so much. I very much doubt anyone at work felt anywhere near as bad about everything that had happened as i did.

After my last big 'bad experience' with someone, i told myself that i wouldn't let such things like STUPID PEOPLE mess me up. That i needed to not let myself get so attached and grow thicker skin, but i still seem to have this really bad knack of just taking too many things too much to heart.

It's not good! I need to grow thicker skin... or something :/. One needs to be a lil tough to survive out there, you know?

Toughen the fuck up you wuss! :)

Blimey

2005-09-15T12:59:00.000Z

I haven't blogged in ages, which is weird, as SO MUCH has happened between my last entry and now. But i bitched about most of what happened at the LastFM forums. Dunno why i didn't just blog about it... hmmmm.

I will talk about it in detail soon, but not now. So much to write about.

Meh - i need to eat something.

My GAWD!

2005-09-06T11:25:00.000Z

Just come back FOOD (wtf is this grocery BS?) shopping from my local TESCO, which also happens to be the BIGGEST TESCO IN THE WORLD! (it's as big as an airport terminal, no fuckin' joke!).

Anyway, that's besides the point.

The point?

>>> HOT HOT HOT WOMEN!

OMG!

I can't believe how many FIT women were out in TESCO today. Some of the tighest behinds and racks were adorning the tightest outfits ever to grace this world. And the FEET! {faints}... oh the feet! I will sorely miss women wearing sandles and the like when the summer passes - nothing hotter than a hot woman showing off her feet.

I was walking around doing my shopping with a hard-on the entire time - and it's HARD to shop with a HARD-ON. Luckily Mr. Wandy isn't 'too' big :/... :(... and so it's not like it was that noticable... at least i hope not.

Of course there were enough overweight, flabby, horrid munters out in force as well as there always are in this age of eating and drinking to excess and non-exercise we live in, but the hotness of the hot women, on this rare occasion, made up for all that.

:)... fuck! Hee hee.

Anyway, time for work.

Bye bye!

Stuff

2005-09-04T20:20:00.000Z

I finally feel like i'm getting on top of my finances at last. After TWO YEARS of not using my account, i have it back up and running again (took time, a few phones calls, more time, paper filling and more time still!). After bills, it now contains a grand total of £13 - this is the most ive had in my account for TWO YEARS! :)

Got the internet banking all sorted out now, so i can keep track of the in's and out's - and my new debit card should be arriving soon. Neither me nor the bank have any idea where my old one is at (but a thief can't steal what isn't there! heehee - stupid thief - take that!). As soon as it arrives, i can finally start charging things to PLASTIC like most normal ppl.

Now i just need to sort out the student loan. I cannot survive uni without it unfortunately. That'll put me in debt for a nice £10k. NICE.

Final week of work this week and I DON'T WANNA LEAVE :(. It's not about the money (which, as you'll recall, is PISS POOR!) - i genuinely like working at the my hospital - not so much for the job itself, but because i work with some great ppl whom i love being around and talking to - especially a few in particular - and especailly one in particular out of those. She is already upset i'm leaving - i joked with her that i was leaving last Friday and the look on her face was, like, just really really sad and upset. :(

... i don't wanna leave! I don't like good byes, especially when i'm leaving ppl whom i love being around. I hope i don't make a dumb-dumb outta myself on Friday, but i can feel the SADNESS INSIDE already :'(

Sigh... but i have to leave. Need to get on with my life - at the hospital is not where i belong - not now - not like this. I need to get back to uni - need to get a degree - that is what I NEED TO DO.

Still - it's sad. Hopefully i can still keep in touch with a few ppl afterwards - i defo wanna go back to work there next summer if they'll have me and despite the pissy poor pay. Maybe even this xmas if that can be arranged - but going back after a whole year as opposed to a few months seems more ROMANTIC, don't you think?? :)

Hmmm... it'll be an intersting week for sure. But now, i must shower, make my evening meal and lunch for tomorrow (early shift), sleep, wake up 5-45AM!, go running, go work, go gym, go sleep... rinse, repeat.

>>> ROUTINE:- it's what makes me tick baby! I feel at a loss on the weekends i really do without my beloved routine - look to drugs to ease the transition of time which is just BAD, WRONG, NAUGHTY, BAD!

Bye bye - be safe! ;)

Pinch, Punch...

2005-09-01T08:59:00.000Z

... first day of the month, and no return.

Seriously, don't fuckin touch me.

I'm in no mood.

Oh Fuck

2005-08-31T23:45:00.000Z

Was sitting at my desk just now, just messing about on the net, when out of the corner of my eye i saw something moving across my wall - i turned my head to see an ugly big spider. Ugly big spiders TAUNTED AND HAUNTED me last summer - many sleepless nights owed to them. These big fuck-off "pissed off banana boat" spiders, always seem to pop up in their thousands in the summer - i blame global warming. Oh, and immigrants. I blame alotta society's ills today on immigrants but i'll save my xenophobic rants for another time.

Back to the matter at hand. This summer has been quiet on the big fuck-off spider front- until now.

I saw it. Plucked up the courage to grab a tissue to try and catch and kill it. Missed - he ran away and jumped onto my bed so incredibly fast - much quicker than i had anticipated. ONTO MY BED! It then ran across my bed - stopped. I failed to catch it again and it ran down the side of my bed - stopped. Again i missed - hey, i'm tired ok.

It jumped to the floor this time and ran straight under my bed. Now it's under my bed somewhere. How am i supposed to get some sleep now, knowing that during the night that that big fuck-off spider will crawl out from under my bed, onto me, bite me/eat me/run down my mouth!. Oh god. I don't need this shit now!

I hate spiders so much. Hell, i hate all insects.

This is when it would be useful to have a lover to go to bed with. A strong, brave woman, who isn't afraid of anyone or anything, compensating for my total wussiness, who can wrap me up in her bosom at night and keep me safe from all the nasty things in the world.

Somebody pray for me.

God I'm Bored

2005-08-28T18:32:00.000Z

It's stupid - i look forward to the bank holiday weekend (3 days off!) all week whilst at work, loving the idea of all the extra rest and relaxation time i'll be getting, and then when it comes, i find myself wishing i had something productive to do! That's not at all like me - i'm lazy! When did i start wanting to be productive??? :/... :). It hasn't gotten as bad as me wishing i was back at work quite yet though, but i can see myself getting to that stage if given another few days. 'Lukily' only one more day off and then back to work.

Ahhh... work. Only 2 more weeks of work left before i finish up. I was supposed to finish this Friday gone actually, but agreed to stay on an extra 2 weeks longer - see, they LOVE ME down there :D. However, i agreed to that like 3 weeks ago, but since then work has become tedious and a lil boring and annoying. I was telling my co-workers last week how i wanted to finish up this week and leave, but had promised my boss i'd stay on - she checked with me just before she left for her hols, and so i can't just up and leave now. Anyway, my spoken desire to leave work was met by "oh no Arash! Don't go yet!" - THEY LOVE ME! Hee hee, and admittedly i love them too actually :).

It's a great working atmosphere for the most part. Just one big happy family joking and laughing and teasing each other all day long. I think you'd be hard pressed to kind that kinda atmosphere in alotta jobs. So even though i'm looking forward to finishing up work in a few weeks and getting myself sorted for university and then actually going to university, i'm a lil sad too - i will miss the guys at work. Some loads :(. I'm not looking forward to my final day there - i'm not good at good byes - everyone is pushing me to throw a 'leaving do' as well, which seems a lil silly to me as i will only have been there for 2 and a half months, and i'll probably be back next summer if not the christmas period! LOL. I dunno - any excuse for a piss up i guess :).

Anyway, moving on, i spent £387 on a new pair of glasses yesterday, and that was after I had received a 10% discount! Seems pretty steep i know, but i think it's worth it. This is my first pair in 3 years (i thought it was 2 years but my optician told me otherwise). My sight itself is pretty much the same, although the optician said he would increase the power just a lil, but my prescription is pretty much the same and the slight discrepancy between my two eyes has also gone. That's good news - looks as though my eyes have finally 'stabalised' - i mean i'm blind enough, MINUS 9. That's pretty short-sighted, but it made me feel 'good' to learn that my bro's new flatmate, who is VERY GOOD LOOKING, has like MINUS TWELVE! She's REALLY REALLY short-sighted. Sounds bad saying it I know, but it's just 'nice to know' that even someone as cool/attractive as her has screwed up 'body parts' - lol. Makes me feel like less of a freak i guess. Even the cool kids have to deal with the same kinda shit as the nerds - it's just NICE TO KNOW!

Dragged my bro along with me to help my choose my new frames - he has awesome fashion sense. Told him the kinda thing i was looking for and then let him make the final choice. LOL - it was pretty funny - me, my bro and the optician, all 3 of us standing there, with like a 100 frames - swapping frames back and forth between us as my bro handed me frames to try on, giving back previously tried on frames to the optician. Slowly we mananged to wittle the choice of possibilities to just a few handful, and then after some more frame swapping, my bro said "yup... these ones defo suit you the best - looks good man". My new frames are a totally new look for me, even one of the shop assistants commented on that, which is great as it was exactly what i had hoped for. A TOTALLY NEW LOOK! Afterall, i am starting my life afresh as i see it, what with going back to university and all and having gotten my life back on track again after like 2 years in the duldrums - a new look is only fitting to go along with my new life and NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE. Besides which, it just makes one feel GOOD you know, to have a new look. To shed the old stuff and just change appearance. It's weird how a pair of glasses, like a haircut, can change your appearance so much. Hmmm.

Final cost of frames was £150 (lenses pretty much made up the rest) - D&G ones i THINK... or RALPH something or other... TED BAKER? I dunno - i never keep abreast of designer labels. They will be replacing my current ARMANI (lol, designer glasses all the way baby!) ones when they arrive in 2-3 weeks time. Lenses need to be ordered in. I am hoping i'll get them before i leave work though as i wanna show them off! People at work love their 'show and tell' and i wanna be part of that! I wanna 'impress' that certain someone at work... married or not! Hee hee - oh god :/

All i need to sort out now is a new look for my hair maybe. My bro keeps urging me to cut it shorter, whilst i'm leaning in the complete opposite direction - i wanna let it grow out a lil and design it somehow :/. I dunno - he does have good fashion sense like i said - maybe i should listen to him. Sigh. Bugger. I really dunno. Oh well - one thing is for certain, and that is i'm not getting rid of the beard! It helps to hide TEH UGLY and there's no way it'll be leaving my face, even if ppl., including HER FROM WORK ;) want to see me without it.

Anyway, enough random blogging for now - my back is starting to seize up sitting here - hurt it last week in gym because i wasn't being careful :(.

Owie.

I Can't Sleep

2005-08-27T03:48:00.000Z

... and looking at this pic Nick sent me the other night when i was stoned outta my head is freaking me out a lot more now than it did then...

{shudders}

It's kinda creepy, don't you think? Mad props to the artist though... Duas something or other? Nick'll know - he's into his art and sh!t - i will make a point to ask him next time i see him online.

My sleep has been messed up all week, wtf is going on??????? This isn't like me. I blame the drugs.

Go to bed Arash... now.

Hmmm....

2005-08-22T23:24:00.000Z

It would seem as though recreational drugs are ruining my life. At least they are making me late for work :/. Last week after the 'puke and wank' sessions, i was late by 45mins. Today i overslept by an hour, my alarm not waking me up which doesn't happen EVER! and I ended up being 15mins late for work this morning (thanks to the stupid bus actually RUNNING ON TIME for once!). Being late by 15mins in itself isn't so bad except that today i was the man in charge of processing the 'urgents' - blood request forms from example the A&E department at the hospital and other high priority care units. We are always short staffed in the mornings it seems, at least when it comes to typing up requests - seems like bad employee management to me. Anyway, it's important work as such forms need to be processed quickly, and as soon as i walked into the lab to pick up the urgents, i was greeted by "ARASH! Thank GOD you're here! We are desperately behind here!!!!!!!".

Great. Not really a bollocking, but i certainly won the disapproval of the lab guys - they were stuck pulling my slack when they had their own sh!t to do. Oh well. No one has any real reason to complain though as far as i'm concerned as from the time i entered work (albeit 15mins late) - i worked my ass off non-stop, even taking just a 5min break in the morning as opposed to the usual 20mins (and then again the same in afternoon) not so much to make up for the time i was late, but because there was so much flippin work to be done today and i was self-motivated enough to stay on top of it all along the way... WHICH I DID!!!! I'm a fuckin asset and a half to my team, simple as. Unfortunately this isn't the kinda job where effort is recognised (well rarely) and it certainly isn't rewarded. In fact, here, the harder i work, the faster i get through the work, THE LESS I GET PAID as i'm paid by the TIME i spend at work not the work i get through... it's a fuckin joke and i've bitched about it enough with fellow workers who agree that i ought not to be treated like this :(. So it's in my interest to do what alotta other ppl do - just sit and chat and work less than optimal... which i just can't do most of the time... i like being in the 'zone', whether at work or at play. It gives me a buzz, it really does.

Ahhhh, fuck it. One day i'll work a job where i'm actually rewarded for the work i put in and have my efforts recognised and appreciated as opposed to just being paid for the time i put in. >>>south park voice<<< "stupid assoles".

On another note... i'm totally IN LUST (not love... *spits at the mention of the word*) with the girl from work. She's always flirting with me and it's moved onto touching as well now whenever she gets the chance. I think she's great - lovely personality (yea, i went THERE!) and just gorgeous - so sexy. But just one problem... boyfriend you say? No - try HUSBAND! Yea, she's married! Flippin heck.

It doesn't make any sense to me. I would never 'fall' for a married person cos... i just wouldn't! I keep telling myself that the only reason i feel this STRONG attraction for her is because i know that there never will be anything with her. It's because i can't have her that i want her - you know, that whole wanting what you don't have thing. I've tried to kill the notion that i'm attracted to her through that reasoning, but i JUST CANNOT!

Today she was working in the lab whilst i was mostly in the office, popping into the lab only to pick up urgents and to query tests, and likewise she popping into the office to query her own things. EVERY SINGLE TIME i walked into the lab and saw her and she walked into the office and i saw her... i just couldn't help feeling this ovberwhelming desire to... bone her? LOL... no - well, you know. That lusty kinda "oh yea" feeling - all the while i's screaming inside my head, STOP IT ARASH YOU FIEND!!!!!!! SHE'S MARRIED!!!! LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!

Sigh... i'm hopeless. Nick said i was insatiable the other day when referring to my libido/sex drive and he's right. I'm riding some kinda horny train at the mo. Horny as hell, 24/7. I'm finding it very hard to not play with myself - it's made all the worse when i check myself out nekkid morning and night - auck... i'm a freak. I really am starting to turn myself on now that i've gotten myself back into what would pass as half-decent shape :/

Anyway, time for bed.

I'm sick.

Help!

Flippin' Heck

2005-08-21T23:08:00.000Z

I was tidying my room up a lil before going to bed, and guess what i found? An unsmoked quarter of a joint - i had no idea it was even there. And guess what i did then? Yea... :).

Well, i'm a lil buzzed right now :/ ... :D... and i'll be going to bed a lil buzzed BUT BED I MUST GO!

A HARD WEEK OF WORK AND GYM AHEAD OF ME!!!!!!!

MUST SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!!!

*cough**cough* ... my poor baby lungs... i'll say a lil pray for thee...

Oh, I Forgot To Mention -

2005-08-20T10:20:00.000Z

I passed my maths test and so now I will be made an offer to go study at my first choice university. Come the 26th of September, 2005 - i will commence studying "Physics With Medical Physics" at University College London (UCL).

Now i can list an occupation in my user profile at last - student :)

I'm both happy and scared about the prospect of returning to studying again after so long, but i'm determined to ensure that the next 3 years of my life turn out right.

No more regrets. Just going to live 'life' and be happy whilst doing it.

Freak Me Baby!

2005-08-19T10:21:00.000Z

I'm feeling incredibly S E X Y this morning. Not exactly sure why - felt like absolute crap last night after work.

Must be all those endorphins kicking in after the morning's run.

Hmmm... morning run, hot/sweaty shower, fulfilling breakfast, rugged beard, my new FAV t-shirt, my arms which look incredibly defined this morning >>> wow... I'M HOT!

At the risk of sounding like a narcissistic freak... i want to make love to myself :)

Live & Learn

2005-08-15T22:47:00.000Z

Yesterday night didn't go quite as planned - it wasn't the awesome chillout session i had envisioned - i made a few mistakes;

1. Toking after a year of no toking (nor smoking - a habit i kicked very quickly before it became an addiction)

2. Smoking the entire thing in under 5mins

3. Whining when my bro was rolling up for me, asking him to add a lil more for a lil more kick.

The last mistake possibly was the dumbest one on my part.

So yea, after i had finished smoking, suffice to say, i was pretty much wasted. Gone. Walking up the stairs proved an incredibly difficult task as the stairs 'kept moving' :/. Soon after i arrived upstairs, nausea and the dreaded paranoia crept in. LOL - i laugh now, but seriously, that feeling of paranoia is the worst - feeling as though someone is pushing you into your chair and not letting you get up, hearing 'voices' >>> oh dear. LOL ;)

Luckily Nick was on MSN to help calm me down a lil else i may have totally lost it. Thanks mate.

Anyway...

... I vomitted.

Hard.

Twice.

After that, even though i felt better, the room was still spinning way too fast and much for me to establish any kind of calm feeling. Also... the noise! AGGGHHH!!!

So i went to bed at 12-30am, puke in bin beside me. I had the weirdest dreams before i woke up at 3-30am - feeling much less sick, paranoia gone... a slight relaxed feeling. That same feeling i had hoped to have hit 3 hours earlier, minus the puke.

So - i cleared the puke up (wasn't too bad fortunately) had a chocolate bar to eat (tasted SO GUUUDD!!!) and had a wank :). Not just a wank, but a wank SESSION. LOL - it was great. I've said it before - aint no feeling better than having a wank whilst high. Possibly with the exception of having sex whilst high, but i wouldn't know anything about that :/... :(.

Went back to bed @4-30am (yea, SESSION!).

Woke up @7am - still a lil buzzed and tired and also now feeling rough.

Arrived at work an hour late.

"Sorry i'm late 'A'... i wasn't feeling very well this morning"

"You ok now?"

"Yea, i'm good" :)

I won't be doing that again anytime soon.

Live and learn.

I Wish I Was a Rockstar

2005-08-14T20:08:00.000Z

Someone great, on par with Jimi Hendrix maybe :)

Well, later tonight i'll be enjoying my first joint in well over a year, so maybe i can toke and dream a lil whilst chilling out with my music.

Yea... it's gonna be a GUUUUUUUUD night... ;)

Hazy Miffy Midnight Toke Dreams... woah

I Like My Job

2005-08-08T23:33:00.000Z

MOST of the time :) - i work with some of the nicest/funniest/interesting/WEIRD/CRAZY people out there in the world. Now, if only the pay was half decent, i would absolutely LOVE this job. Speaking of pay, i get paid at the end of this week. Then FINALLY i can pay off some huge bills - it's true what i heard said >>> gay guys are quite well off because THEY HAVE NO GIRLFRIEND! Heck, i didn't even have a girlfriend but 'an experience' still left me with alotta bills to pay :/. Love costs - love sucks. Meh - enough of that.

Today was a really good day. Went in early, full of energy, did my work whilst having a chat now and again with fellow colleges, most of whom i have developed a very good rapport with, some a very good friendship with (one girl said the other day she was really going to miss me when i left and went back to uni... ahhh... heehee), and then went home a lil earlier than usual as i didn't take my afternoon break - i was working that hard!

Friday evening i went out to celebrate the belated 30th b'day of a colleague. At first i was in two minds as to whether to go or not - i finished work at 7-45pm, got home 8-15pm, and the thing was supposed to start at 8-30pm. In the end i decided that if my colleague was nice enough to have invited me, despite the fact i'm not a 'proper' member of staff, the least i could do was make the effort to go, especially as i had already said i would (i hate saying no to ppl, especially ones who are nice and ask me every single day if i'm still coming). I mean the only reason i would have had not to go would be because i am not very sociable as of late, something my close friends can attest to.

Anyway, i made the effort to go, even if i was a lil late, and i'm glad i did because i had a great time. Good food and good company. It was nice socialising with ppl outside of work, even if they were the same ppl at work! I had thought that that would make things a lil 'stale' but it didn't. It was just good fun.

The whole thing ended pretty late - our group left at around midnight - we were the last ones out. I got home at about 12-30am, after having given my 'boss' and his gf a lift home first.Today we were discussing the evening out with fellow employees who didn't go - that's kinda a shame as well - some ppl have worked with this girl for like years, and they seemed to have the piss-poorest excuses for not being able to attend. I thought that was kinda lame - such ppl really ought to make the effort - oh well.

So yea, very fast and productive day at work today. Was fun even if a lil stressful at times - i was incharge of processing all URGENT blood-request forms - it was my first time doing it and a lot harder than i had realised! Then got home, chilled out a lil with my beloved music, chatted to Nick whom i rarely get to have a gd chin-wag these days, like the good old days - then hit the gym, ate, a lil comedy before bed as per usual* and now here i am, ready to go to sleep after a good, productive and satisfying day.

Then tomorrow i wake up EARLY, go for a run, and because i'm working the late shift tomorrow, i have time to go food shopping with my mum (who is still sat at home awaiting news since her factory burnt down) at the LARGEST TESCO IN THE UK (which i think is aloada crap tbh - after my first visit there last week, i've concluded it was just all hype - but the magnetised trolley wheels that stick to the travellators are pretty cool).

I wish all days were as good as this one, and here's hoping tomorrow is as fun :)

Night... zzz.

* laughter is food for the soul - helps relieve stress so you feel happier and are mentally more healthy! IT'S TRUE! - just as huggles are good for you - i heard 12 a day will help you live longer and happier, but i have no one to hug :( and it's creepy for a grown man to hug his mummy** 12 times a day

** it's also creepy for a grown man to refer to his mum as mummy

Shitty Friday Morning

2005-08-05T08:56:00.000Z

Just sent my reply into the universities admissions service, indicating my firm and insurance acceptance offers. The firm i always knew, but seeing as how they've decided to give me a conditional offer, and seeing as how i feel it's very likely that i'll fail the maths test they set me, consequently the insurance university choice was very important and very difficult to make. I 'reasoned' that if i was prepared to study in London for my first place uni, then there's no reason why i shouldn't for my second choice uni. Although - i dunno - i think i would have liked to have not studied in London, but - i just dunno.

Well it's done now. Come September, i'll be studying in London - just don't know which uni, but it'll definitely be in London. Come September, i'll be making my daily commutes again to London - leaving home at 7am, returning home 7pm. And that's on a good day, when the trains and underground are running well, when no one is trying to blow people up.

This is all so fucked up. All this travelling hassle crap ought to be done with by now. All this study crap ought to be done with - i'm going to regret dropping out of uni for the next few years a lot. I'm regretting it now. I'm still kinda holding onto Sharon's notion of 'everything happens for a reason', but it's not working. It's not helping much. Not when i think back to the golden opportunity i had, studying at an excellent university, with all the opportunities i had. Now i'll always kinda feel like i'm settling for something less than i 'deserve', but then i was the one who dropped out - maybe this is exactly what i deserve.

There is no worse feeling in the world than feeling like an under-achiever. That and the feeling of regret and worthlessness i'm feeling right now. I thought i had shaken this - i feel sick. I hate myself.

Friday, Already????

2005-07-29T11:43:00.000Z

Damn. Time still flying by at lightning speed then.

I have a L O N G weekend ahead of me. Coming home late tonight, going gym and then eat and sleep - don't have the time to go hang out with friends tongiht or tomorrow - Oli asked me out for both days :(. Then, gotta get up early tomorrow morning, go for a run (3.6km EASY now), eat breakfast, then drive down into central London and help my bro move house. He's moving in with two other friends now. Two lady friends - good looking ones - wankar. And of course, i have to finalise the uni decision things this weekend - deadline is the 5th of August but i only really have this weekend to actually put some SERIOUS thought to things. I still haven't received any news about the maths test i was supposed to sit :/.

Starting work at 1pm today - friday everyone starts late. But not looking forward to going into work this afternoon - i annoyed a co-worker when i quite innocently said something that kinda pissed them off - and i knew it had because she turned all cold towards me. You know, one of those moments, that as soon as it's passed you start praying and pleading to god to have it back so that you could play things out differently and not say that STUPID thing you just did. As soon as the words had come out my mouth, i was screaming inside my head "OH SHIT! ARASH... YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!". Previous to yesterday evening, we had both been on very good terms with one other, joking and messing about etc. - she is like one of my three favourite ppl at work and now she is annoyed with me. I dunno how i should behave around her today - sigh... oh well. That's it, i'm not saying anything at all to anyone at work from now on. At the very least i'm gonna think through and plan any witty/funny things i decide to say in the future :/.

See, this is what happens when ppl become 'too chummy'. They start to interact and speak more freely and then something accidentally slips out that annoys someone and then they aren't so chummy with you anymore. When i was quiet and didn't take part in the daily STUPID office banter, there really was no problem. But as soon as i start to feel at ease and speak my mind, then people get annoyed. More to the point, what does that say about me?! LOL

The office politics are brutal as well. As an 'outsider' for the past month, i've been observing all my fellow workers and have been 'listening in' (not eaves-dropping! - they just don't think to hide things from me cos i AM an outsider) on what they say. They talk so much shit about other fellow workers behind their backs - some things that i personally think are totally unjustified whilst others i would tend to agree with. Like how this one girl in the office has become especially adept at avoiding work whilst making it look as though she is actually working and working hard. I mean all credit to her, she KNOWS her stuff, but i swear, i rarely see her actually putting in the work. There are different cliques at the office, all with their own allies and enemies... it's amusing but also kinda sad really - people oughtta be nicer to one another.

Anyway, off to work soon - had better go get ready. I hope 'she' isn't too annoyed with me - i don't want things to be awkward between us...

... :/.

Hmf... annoyed

2005-07-27T20:12:00.000Z

"Where's my pay slip?", i asked my boss today whilst everyone else was looking through theirs.

"You won't be getting one - you will be paid next month for this month's work because you aren't a permanent staff member".

After everyone moaned on my behalf how unfair that was, my boss made a few calls to the payroll people at the hospital, and they agreed to pay me on the 12th of August for 6 weeks worth of work (as opposed to the usual monthly setup). Also, my boss asked if i wanted to carry working on a lil longer than the original agreed 2 months (she's said before what a fast and efficient worker i am - DAMN STRAIGHT!), and so now im working an extra 2 weeks - up until the second week of Sept as opposed to the end of August as originally planned. This is fine as uni starts late Sept and i'm happy cos MO' MONEY!!!

Still - i have urgent bills that need paying. I guess another 2 weeks won't hurt - it's already been three months! I have a lil experience in the field of unpaid bills, and given the time since i last paid up and the number of reminders i've been sent, i think i have another good month before the debt collectors are called in, so i should be ok.

I could borrow the money. My parents would 'lend' me it no problem (and never really ask for it back :/), and indeed my bro and friends have offered to loan me the money but i decided i didn't want any help - not this time. This is my mess and i will clean it up myself and indeed i will. Just need the tight-wads at the hospital to pay up!!!!!!!! And i don't want my parents knowing i messed up my finances yet again.

I'm tired. Need to go gym and train now though. So i can look good nekkid. And then have lots and lots of hot steamy sex. With a gorgeous girl. Yes. Gym time it is :/.

Wow...

2005-07-23T17:34:00.000Z

... it feels as though i haven't blogged in ages - it's been less than a week though.

Hmmm - i guess the problem isn't so much that i haven't had time or haven't been ass'ed - i've just been a lil 'tired' - mental exhaustion more than physical even though i've gone back to hitting the gym hard again this week and i can definitely feel the aches and pains in my body :/... :).

Well, one thing i haven't blogged about is the fact that i now have offers back from all three of my chosen universities! My second and third place uni's have both given me an unconditional offer, which means basically that i'm in if i choose to go there. Plus my third place uni is also offering to pay me £1000 to study there, which is really nice :). My first place uni however, they've given me a conditional offer - i have to sit and pass a maths test they will set and gain a "satisfactory pass" before they will allow me in. I'm a lil bummed about that as i really do want to go there i think, even if it is situated right in the middle of all the London bombings and chaos that's going on as of late. But i haven't studied for two years! I don't think i will be able to pass any test they set me - i was hoping that i would be able to make up my maths as the year started and went on. I guess they suspect that two years out of study will have taken it's toll on my maths ability, and they're right. When i think back to the kinda maths i could once do, like taking the integral of a second order differential equation, i'm just wow'ed... all seems so incredibly S O L I D to me right now.

So that's put a spanner in the works - things were going so well as well. They will send me details of the test sometime soon, so i'll know better then exactly what it is they expect from me, but this test may well make me not want to apply to study there. Having said that, i have to decide by the 5th of August, so there is a lil time yet to think about things (and STUDY!!!), and also i'm allowed to apply to two uni's. In which case i can always apply both to my first place uni and my second (or third - £1000 baby! - it is a very good uni also though!! :) ) and so if i fail the maths test and so don't gain admission into my first choice, at least i will still definitely be going to study somewhere.

I have a lot to think about. Wish i could get to it rather than just listening to my music all the time. It's weird... i LOVE my music... miss it like crazy when i'm at work and being subjected to shite pop music, but i can't do my serious/deep thinking with music playing. I NEED SILENCE... but i can't stand to not have my music playing during the weekends... i miss it so!!!!

Can't believe it's the weekend, YET AGAIN! Time really is zipping past - that's both kinda good and scary at the same time. Scary because it makes one realise just how lil time one has to get things going and done. Oh well. It's good in that pay day will be rolling round on Thursday!!!! Yippeee!!!!!!!! But i can't really celebrate with it - i have many bills to clear and then i am actually going to be sensible for once in my life and SAVE MY MONEY for university i so wanna get me a 23" LCD for £1k though! Stupid? YES! BUT I WANT ONE!!!!!... but won't :(. I will take out a loan as well for uni, but even with that, i can see the next few years of uni being very tight financially. I defo do not want to burden my parents any more though with my finances - i've done enough of that and it's not fair and i see just how unfair it is now. Getting through uni now is something i want to accomplish myself to as far an extent as i can.

Erm... let's see - anything else i've failed to mention? I thought initially i had a lot to say - i guess not :/. Oh yea - the aforementioned London terror attacks - flippin' heck - just what the heck is going on? It really is quite scary. I can't believe the past two weeks' events. When you hear about these things usually on the news, it's hard to relate what it must actually feel like because that place is so far away and alien, but everything that's been going on as of late is right here at HOME. I went past the blown up bus for example on my way into and out of London last week to drop my brother off back home - so eerie with the street/sqaure being blocked off, the bus being quarantined and the wreaths of flowers laying all by the steps of St Pancreas church.

Ok, i think that about does it. Time to chill out with more music. I'll have a deep think about things later :).

knackered

2005-07-19T23:09:00.000Z

woke up 5-45am

ran 3.5km

went to work, 9-5pm

worked out 7pm

wanked 11pm

gotta wake up again tomorrow @5-45am and run another 3.5km...

... totally knackered...

... off to bed

gd night.

Back From Work... @9-30AM!

2005-07-18T09:36:00.000Z

I'm such an idiot. I didn't check the timesheet for this week's shifts before leaving work last week Friday evening and just assumed that I was working a morning shift today as I have been doing the last two weeks. Turned up to work for 8-45am to find that i would be starting @12-15pm today :/. The boss is away ill today so there was no one to sort out a change in times with either, so i went back home - walked it as if i had bus'ed i would've ended up spending three days worth of fares in a single day.

I'll now be leaving for work AGAIN in another 2 hours and then walking home AGAIN in the evening.

sigh... this would be funny if i wasn't so annoyed with myself for being so careless and complacent about something so dumb... ARGH!

Your Careless Notions Have Silenced These Emotions

2005-07-16T02:21:00.000Z

"The language of love, slips from my lover's tongue...

... the language of love, has left me broken on the rocks...

.... the language of love has left me stony grey...

... look at all the foolishness your lover's talk has done"

I'm drunk... guess what song i'm listening to and working myself into a state with?

Frumpy Blabberings of a Tired Pookie

2005-07-14T21:44:00.000Z

Can't believe it's Friday tomorrow - as i was telling someone at work, this week has gone by SO QUICKLY for me - said co-worker disagreed, saying that her week had been a long, HOT nightmare. I explained to her that for me, going to work after after such a long time of just being at home constantly, has been a HUGE change of pace and so to me time really is flying by. I honestly cannot believe it will be the weekend again so soon.

I then also walked home with the same co-worker - she showed me a shortcut back to my house which i had no idea even existed, and so now i have cut 5mins off my walk home... although i like the longer route i think - more scenic :).

I feel so frumpy and horrible right now - have been slacking on the exercise this week :(... work is no excuse - i need to pull my socks up and get back to it. I dunno - i've fallen into that bad habit of 'morning sorriness' again which keeps me from getting outta bed early to go running - alarm goes off and instead of counting down from 10 in my head and then jumping outta bed, i just lie there thinking about things and just make myself unhappy - need to snap out of that - need to leave those days behind me.

Received a letter from my third uni of choice also this morning, confirming that they had offered me a place on the course that i spoke of the other day. Along with the letter, they sent a little note to let me know that i would be given £1000 as a bursary if i decided to join the uni as my grades in both physics and maths from school were "exceptional" - that's pretty cool :). But like i said, i'm still waiting to hear from my other uni's before deciding anything for definite.

Finally, got home today to find my mum watching TV with my dad. Even though i worked a late shift today, my mum shouldn't have been home so 'early'. I asked her why and she let me know that today her factory caught fire. The entire thing 'burnt to the ground' - the fire crews (like 30 according to my mum, 150 firefighters reported on the news) were unable to control it and in the end just focused on ensuring the neighbouring factories didn't catch fire and that none of the smoke etc soiled the new Wembley Stadium which is quite literally next to where my mum works. My mum is a lil worried and upset - for the immediate time and forseeable future, she is of course out of a job.

Frumpy me is tired and horribly clammy - off to shower and eat and sleep... bye bye.

YEA!!!

2005-07-12T19:58:00.000Z

I received an unconditional offer to study Physics with Medical Physics from my third choice university! So at least i know now i'll be studying somewhere come September, but like i said, this is my third place choice, i will of course wait to see what my other two choices say before i accept anything - but i'm definitely confident now though more than ever.

It's feels nice to have something work out for me at last :)

Old Love Letters

2005-07-11T19:48:00.000Z

I once remember hearing someplace that you oughtta hold onto your old love letters, even if the love is long gone and dead - that in years to come, such things will bring some kinda 'joy' in reminising over the good times that they once embodied.

I'm half tempted to not only throw them away, but actually see them go up in flames before my very eyes such is the grief and angst i'm experiencing by constantly being reminded of everything that's happened - of constantly being reminded of her. But i wont. There is a part of me that does want to hold onto them, even if i can't bear having them around me. I still remember that great feeling inside when reading them for the first time - maybe some day i can experience that again when reading them without the accompanying feelings of hurt/anger/betrayal i can't move past right now. I think I would regret it if someday i wanted to look back and remember and found i couldn't because i had nothing left to help me remember and capture 'that moment'. So the letters along with various gifts are going to be packed away and put away for keeping - OUT OF SIGHT (and i'm praying that the out of mind bit will follow sometime soon).

Emails, text messages and the like however - well, i've already deleted those. Just having them on my hard disk, no matter how deep they may be buried in the most obscure folders, will always be too close for comfort. I'd burn them perhaps onto disk to keep, but quite frankly it's not worth the effort - none of this is anymore. Besides which, my DVDRW isn't working atm :).

Phew... What a Night

2005-07-10T01:27:00.000Z

Just got back in from the BBQ - would've been back sooner but had to stop to allow my drunk friend to puke his guts out - rather the road than the interior of my beema ;).

Ok, firstly i just want to get off my chest the fact that i did drink and drive. My mum told me before i left the house with copious amounts of alcohol "Arash, if you are going to drink tonight, please don't drive home and spend the night at your friends" - Oli himself had told me to stay the night, but i thought 2hrs between drinks and driving would be fine - it was not!. Not going to do that again - i could defo tell i didn't have it altogether - still, rather me driving than the drunkards i was with ;).

The citrus vodka that i had a hard time getting hold of went down a great with everyone - knocking nack CHILLED shots of CITRUS vodka is simply GORGEOUS! - i just about managed to steal some to take back home with me - necking the rest of the bottle now as i type... hmmm... yum! Also have a huge bottle of Hoegaarden here... gonna get toasty with these into the early hours of the morning whilst chilling with my music. Been a while since i've mixed drink and music - think i'll throw some porno into the mix as well seeing as how my MOJO has returned to me after a long absence.

SIGH... dunno what i was fretting about - sure it wasn't quite the same as last year - some new faces and a few ppl missing and i wasn't hammered by the end of the night and we actually got the BBQ working in under an hour this time (heehee), but it was still LOADS OF FUN! Can't wait for "Oli's BBQ 2006"!.

I just wanna take this opportunity to say that I LOVE MY FRIENDS - the ones i get the chance to hang out with and even the ones i don't. All you guys are the greatest - i couldn't ask for better friends - i love you all! *HUG*

BBQ

2005-07-09T17:04:00.000Z

It's that time of the year again... last year's BBQ at Oli's was ACE - so much fun - got totally twatted ;). This year should be fun too but it will be different - for starters i don't plan on drinking (i so want to knock back a few shots of the yummy citrus vodka i'm taking along with me though!!!) - i am driving and giving lifts and so i've gotta be responsible (can a few shots hurt though???!)

Hmmm... i can still have fun without drinking i'm sure - i mean hanging out with friends that i haven't caught up with for ages will be great. Still - i can't help thinking that things this time just won't quite be 'right' - what with the recent events and just my mood in general. In all honesty i'd rather not go but i'm going to make the effort to be sociable and hang out with people as opposed to staying at home all day long.

Also, a few people aren't sure if they'll be able to make it which is a bummer - i want everyone to be there! My brother definitely won't be attending this year as he's pretty much 'stranded' in London as a result of what occured a few days ago - it would take way too much effort and take too long for him to get back here which isn't justified for just a weekend visit. As well as his presence, his culinary skills will be sorely missed also i'm sure - last year his home-made-burgers went down a treat - i don't think mine will taste that great :/... i had a hard time getting them all to stick together - had to get my mum to help me out in the end - i'm so useless in the kitchen.

Sigh... oh well... i'll see how things go tonight.

A Sad Day

2005-07-07T20:28:00.000Z

I went downstairs at about 10-30am to ask my dad if i could place an order over the net on his credit card, that i would pay him back later once i got paid (haven't even got the money yet and already spending it :) )... walk into the living room to see images of London with the word BOMB BLASTS in bold underneath...

... i was glued to the the TV, just not beliving what was being said.

"Seven explosions have been reported both on the London underground and on a double decker bus".

The bus had had it's entire top blown off - just horrifying to see that, knowing that people had been sat inside it when the bomb went off causing that kind of damage. When the news broadcast displayed the locations of the underground train bombings it suddenly dawned on me that these places weren't a thousand miles away from here - i've been past King's Cross station many times on my way into and out of London - i've travelled on those very underground routes. It sent a weird feeling through me.

My brother called soon after - i wasn't worried about him as i thought he'd already be at work by now, but he told me that he actually left for work late today and had actually gone past King's Cross on a bus as police were quarantining off the area. He was supposed to be on the underground - as he arrived at his tube station, a lil later than usual, it was being closed off and fire trucks were arriving along with "response vehicles"... he later figured out that it was very likley that he would've caught the train that had the bomb onboard had he actually arrived on time - scary stuff indeed.

Everyone continued to follow the news at work. Our hospital had actually been put on alert that morning when causalty numbers were still unclear - it was feared that the immediate hospitals in London wouldn't be able to deal and that other hospitals in the greater London area would need to help out, the hospital where i work being one of the biggest.

Fortunately it didn't come to that. The last i heard, 30 people were dead and over 150 sustained serious injuries, most of which were apparently missing limbs... just thinking about it makes me feel sick... hearing people's accounts of what they saw really is quite scary. Like i said, this didn't happen a thousand miles away - it happened someplace that i know and have been many times and am going to be going to many times.

What a week it has been. First the LIVE 8 concert(s) over the weekend along with all the various sporting events including the brilliant end to Wimbledon, then the events of the last few days concerning the Olympic bid and of course the G8 summit taking place in Scotland right now. All have caused a huge media frenzy - it's all news that is taking place in our own 'back yard'. Since yesterday the entire country has been on a high since LONDON won the Olympic bid - just this morning they were discussing how the entire country was going through a good time right now and how good things were on the horizon... and then a few hours later this happens... a huge high followed by a huge low. It's pretty surreal.

Hmmm... guess it goes to show just how both great and cruel life and this world can really be. I certainly won't forget this day in a hurry.

Recognise My Loneliness

2005-07-06T20:11:00.000Z

"Arash, i've written up the rota for next week - you are working the late shift next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday".

WTF? Yesterday my boss had ASKED me if i was cool with working the late shifts next Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and i reluctantly agreed to it, saying i'd give them a go and let her know how it went. Where the hell did Tuesday come from?!

Of course i didn't say that to her, just thought it. I'm too 'nice' (read: gutless) to dispute the matter and just politely nod my head and agree to whatever is said. But i did tell her that Wednesdays i have no problem working late because Wednesday evenings i don't do much of anything. But that my evenings are valuable to me the rest of the week with gym and all.

So anyway, i was a lil peeved. But then a few hours later, she comes to me to ask if I would be cool working late tomorrow and on Friday! And guess what?... i am now working the late shift tomorrow and Friday and i wouldn't be surprised if that's the way things are from now on with me always working late.

Dammit - i need to quit being such a pushover. People know i'm 'nice' and take advantage - it isn't something that is new. SIGH... 12:15pm till 8pm. By the time i get home and get my ass into the gym it'll be 9pm and then 10pm by the time i'm done. That really doesn't sit well with me. I mean some ppl wopuld argue working late is cool as you can get to lie in, but i'm not one of those people. Like i said over the weekend, i'm glad i'm working because of the ROUTINE and pattern it gets me into - i LIKE waking up at unearthly hours of the morning to go for a run whilst the rest of the world sleeps and then going off to work. I like coming home and then going to the gym - the late shift will throw that all off and it's annoying.

And do you know why she wants me to work the late shift? Because she knows i work and work hard - i don't sit and chat like alotta the people (WOMEN!) in the office - i just get on with it... and the bulk of the work, the blood test forms, come in the afternoons, which then carry on being processed into the evening. The last few mornings i've had the luxury of sitting about a while with not much work to do as i get through it all.

I'm being used and abused basically - the story of my life. I think i will have a talk with my boss after next week and let her know that my evenings are valuable to me and that the late shift doesn't work for me. Maybe Wednesday and Friday, but that's it. The rest of the week i need to get home at a reasonable time and have the time to do my things.

Anyway... today was kinda exciting. LONDON WON THE 2012 OLYMPIC BID! The final stages of the bidding process have been headline news now for the past week and today it finally reached it's climax. Everyone at work huddled round the radio @12-45pm in the office as the decision was being announced over in Singapore - we already knew that all other competing cities (Madrid, New York, Moscow... any others?) had been knocked out and that it literally was down to the very end between LONDON and PARIS... it really was exciting listening to the live feed on the radio. Everyone was mostly really happy that PARIS didn't win :D. If the business in Europe with the UK vs France over the rebate wasn't enough to leave a sour taste in the mouths of the British, Mister Chirac's comments that were leaked to the media yesterday taking the piss outta the British, really fuelled people's 'hatred'. LOL - all morning people in the office just kept on bad-mouthing the French - hee hee.

Well we won it, and PARIS and been the favourites from the start... ahhhh... feels good. Exciting stuff indeed, but i just realised... i'll be 30 by the time the Olympics land here... O-M-G.

Anyway, i have the evening 'off' tonight. No gym on Wednesdays for me... think i'll take the time to catch up on my music listening - i've missed my music more than anything else since i've started work. At work i'm forced to listen to mostly god-aweful pop on the radio. Occasionally a good song will come on, but not nearly enough. Although today, i found that i had gotten lost in quite a few love songs that were playing... i was working at my keyboard, just listening and thinking 'sad' thoughts :(. It's weird - i thought working would help me to escape my thoughts and associated problems but no - i'm finding it's still providing me with ample opportunity to think about things and people i'd rather forget...

... sigh...

Wet & Windy Tuesday

2005-07-05T19:32:00.000Z

Survived another day at work, but unlike yesterday, today i do kinda feel exhausted - i don't think that's too surprising - i woke up at 5-45am and started the day with a 40min run before going to work. Then on the way back home, i walked home in the rain and COLD WIND - fortunately i remembered to pack my umbrella but i was only wearing a shirt/tee shirt. The 25min walk home wasn't enjoyable :(... i should've bused it back.

It's cold right now.

I'm cold right now and in no mood to go to the gym but will.

This is the first and only time you'll hear me say this and i will deny it forever after - i wish it was hot - being cold sucks.

:(

BEFORE BED UPDATE:- absolutely shattered now... very tired... need sleep... forgot to mention earlier that i received my tee shirt from THREADLESS.COM - really cool - i will post pics sometime soon - i may wear it to work tomorrow - anyway... must sleep - sooooo tired :/

One Day Down, Plenty More To Go

2005-07-04T19:23:00.000Z

Got back from the first day of work a lil while ago. Wasn't too bad - i'm not physically tired or even that mentally drained, although i suspect i will be towards the end of the week and become steadily increasingly moreso as time wears on, but i am kinda feeling weird/upset.

Took the bus to the hospital - 10min journey - arrived at 8-30am for my 8-45am start. Finished at 5-00pm and walked home - took just under 25mins. I like walking and i enjoyed the walk - only reason i wouldn't walk into work in the mornings is because i don't really wanna turn up to work looking all hot and bothered and sweaty, but walking home i have no problem and indeed want that extra bit of exercise - so i didn't bother asking for a parking permit as my parents suggested.

I'm amazed at how much things haven't changed. We have a new boss now - well, she used to work there before but since the old boss left last week, she's taken over. Loadsa old familiar faces and they all remembered me, by name no less. Talking with them we worked out that this is my first time back working at the hospital after TWO YEARS, not a year liek i had first thought. They're all nice people - but a lil 'too nice' - they all kept asking me what i was doing in life these days and more to the point, how my university studies were going. I hate lying to people so i had to tell them about me having had dropped out and waiting to re-start in September - it started to really grate on my nerves by the time the 50th person asked me, but that's not their fault - they're just being nice.

Still - i don't really have anyone to hang out with. Not like last time when my bro and hias friend Natasha worked there along with another girl my age - we all used to hang out at lunchtime and 'have fun'. Now i'm all alone by myself at break times and it's damn depressing. Just sick people about to keep me company :/. Meal times sucked also because none of my food was 'fresh' - all stuff i had cooked and packed from last night and it tasted like shit. I really didn't appreciate just how lucky i was when i had no job and so had all the time in the world to prepare and cook my food at meal times and actually enjoy it. Now, not onlt is it a major pain to have to cook it all the night before and then pack it, but i really felt like throwing up when eating it. Still, i'd rather eat my BLAND, COLD food i've made myself that i know is 'good' for me than pre-processed crap they sell in the shops there as food. I think i need to work on aqauinting myself with some new recipes - cos the things i know don't really seem 'work compatible'.

SIGH... don't really want to work out now. Like i said, not due to lack of energy, just feeling very fucked up. But i shall endeavour nonetheless - just had my chill out time with another episode of 24. Have 4 more left of the final season now - gonna use them to help me get through this week by watching one a day after work.

Tomorrow i think i will wake up 5-45am and go for a run before work. I have to get up that early even though i intend to leave the house @8-15am as i still haven't managed to cut down the time of my morning rituals - i am much worse than any woman when it comes to taking time getting ready.

:/... also, where the heck is Sil? Feels like years since we last chatted - i thought about her loads today at lunch - made me sad - i hope she gets online sometime soon - chatting with her makes me happy and i need some cheering up :)

*BIG STRETCH*

New Month, New Beginning

2005-07-03T18:13:00.000Z

With the start of July, i really feel as though i'm about to start on a new 'phase' in my life.

Firstly, i start work tomorrow - first time back in a work environment in well over a year. Aside from the money, the human contact that that'll bring is by far the most important thing. I'll be getting out the house and interacting with people, something i really haven't done in ages - it's understandable i'm a lil nervous. Also the routine that comes with having a job, of having to get up at a 'normal' time FOR A REASON, as opposed to just getting up early, going for a run and then having nothing to do for the rest of the day, that too is important. I need a routine - i'm sick of just 'existing' for no real reason with a loose routine based on exercise and meal times.

Secondly, the university application is now, of course, done and dusted. I can expect to hear back from my choosen uni's within the next few weeks. Like i said, i am quietly confident that i'll get in but nothing is for definite just yet. Assuming i do get into university for the year starting in Sept/Oct, then i'll need to start brushing up on all the physics and in particular all the MATHS i've forgotten that are essential to my course. I'll have to get back into the academic frame of mind, having been away from study for over 2 years. That's also something that i'm pretty nervous and scared about.

I mean there are really two trains of thought here in so far as university goes. FACT:- i was never a bad student - i have completed 2 years of a SOLID masters physics degree at a TOUGH university already. So... the 'optimistic' school of thought would say that i should really be 'laughing'. All i have to do is learn up on all the maths and basic physics i've forgotten, and then i ought to be able to 'coast' through the first 2 years at least of my course as it all will essentially be the same stuff as I've already been taught before. All i need to do is make the effort to stay on top of my studies, which shouldn't be too hard because I have the advantage of having done it all before, and in the meantime i can work on making myself 'better' - work on all the other things that are important to me that i've neglected over the past few years - my social life, tied in with which are my low self-esteem and self-confidence issues, and the gym, which used to be very important to me which i've only recently gotten back into. Basically just taking the time to sort myself out and doing worthwhile things that make me happy, all the while whilst earning my degree. Then i can leave university in 3 years with much more than just a degree. I wanna be HAPPY in 3 years time - really happy.

That's the optimistic point of view. The other one, which apprently i seem hell bent upon adopting, is the one that pretty much focusses on all the difficulties and hardships i will ultimately face. The one that keeps telling me that it'll be damn near impossible to get a grip on all the maths i've forgotten - maths has always been a bitch for me - once i get something though, i'm fine - it's just that i have pretty much forgotten it all. Also, seeing as how i've choosen to live at home this time round to save money, commuting in and out of London each and every day will be hell - i keep thinking it will wear me out and mess me up. Living at home will also make it much harder for me to make friends on my course. It's already going to be somewhat awkward with me being a mature student but the fact i won't be able to hang out and get together with people 'after hours' etc means it'll be very hard for me to get to know people. Uni without friends will be horrible and lonely :(. I don't just want to study whilst there - i would like to chat and mess about with people like i did at my old uni. What this point of view basically amounts to is 3 years of toil and hardship as opposed to the 'easy going' outlook of the optimistic point of view.

In actual fact, the truth of what the next three years will be like lies somewhere between those two outlooks. It'd be incredibly stupid (and arrogent) of me to assume that it'll be easy for me to go back to uni and get through my course without any problems. Whether i've studied it before or not, physics is a tough course and the fact i've not studied for such a long time makes it all the more difficult. Having said that, i'm sure certain aspects of the course will be kinda easy for me a second time round. Also things like commuting - yea, it'll be tough, but i just need to quit being so soft and rise to the occasion.

I need to just be optimistic and work hard like i know i am capable of and things should be fine. I can get through 3 years of study and then start my life. I need to put all negative thoughts aside and just concentrate on the job at hand. It will be scary, it IS scary, but i need to do this else i will forever be unhappy with the way things are. I'm still holding onto Sharon's "everything happens for a reason" ideal to help me get through stuff atm :).

On a quick kinda 'aside' note - i've been fortunate enough to have some very good, caring friends who have definitely been there for me to lend me support and advice, and have put up with me even when i was unwilling to listen and just generally acting all 'strange'. For one thing, I'm sure that without someone being there for me in my corner, that i probably wouldn't have been able to get my university application sorted - i just couldn't face up to it by myself. Although i hate 'picking favourites' as all my friends have been good to me, in particular, Nick, Sharon and my bro deserve a mention. These three people have really helped me a lot in the last few months - all were there to listen to me bitch on and on about things that were bothering and upsetting me and lent a shoulder to cry on. Without their support i would still be all moody and upset and feeling sorry for myself - so thanks guys - i greatly appreciate all your care, help and understanding. You guys are true friends.

Leaving the university and job thing for now... gym and diet! It was 6 months ago, in January this year, that i told myself that it was time i got myself back into good eating habits and started to look after myself again. In that time i've made decent progress - i've certainly established good habits again in regards to eating well and exercising regularly. Now, with 6 months down in this year, i can look at July as the start of the next 6 month phase, in which time i can build upon what i've been doing so far and also take things up a gear and push harder. Come the start of 2006, i can then look back on a year of solid gains and progress made in the gym and look and feel great about myself.

Hmmm... i'm going on a bit now. Think i'll shut up and watch a few more of the last few episodes of season 4 of 24. LOL - i started watching 24 from the start of season 1, having never watched any 24 before on TV, on the 7th of June, right after my manic viewing of LOST. Well my viewing of 24 has been even more obsessive - in a few days i will have come to the end of season 4 of 24, which means that in less than a month, i will have managed to watch all 4 seasons of 24! That's ~70hours of TV! Damn.... :)... it's certainly been an enjoyable adventure and provided me with much needed distraction and ESCAPE from stuff, allowing me to forget all the 'drama' in my life and giving me time to get myself together long enough to get things like university applications sorted. So i guess it was all worth it then :).

I'll miss you Jack :(

Ending Credits

2005-06-30T10:04:00.000Z

Just finished up and sent off my university application. I should hear back from my choosen universities fairly quickly given as how today is the final deadline date and that the majority of applications would have been processed many months ago. I am quietly confident i'll get a place at my first place university but that doesn't mean i'm happy. This whole thing has left me feeling rather unhappy with myself - alotta old memories and feelings of regret have re-surfaced.

Also i start work on Monday - 8am-5pm being stuck in a hot office, staring at a screen all day, doing the most mundane and tedious work imaginable, all whilst getting paid just above minimum wage :/.

Hmmm... i can feel the winds of change approaching.

I'm scared.

At least Sharapova is playing again today - hmmm... :).

UPDATE:- play cancelled today because of rain :( - for once i'm not happy it rained

Bubble-Wrap Your Mishaps

2005-06-28T12:58:00.000Z

*BIG SIGH OF RELIEF*... i hope it's not premature.

Just got off the phone with both my tutor from my old university and the admissions tutor for one of the universities i intend to apply to.

My tutor said he had received my email sent last friday and was sorry he hadn't gotten back to me yet - he had just forgotten to reply with all the things going on at the time (end of exams). Had a little talk with him - he said he would be more than happy to write me a reference and would email it to me asap - very nice guy as always. He also suggested that seeing as it is so late in the application stage and given my 'curcumstances', that i ought to phone up the universities i intend to apply to and find out what my chnaces are of getting in.

So i phoned up the admissions tutor of my first choice university - he asked me why i left my last place of study, when and also what my exam and university marks were like before i left. After telling him, he said that there were places available and that there was a very good chance i'd get in. He also took down my name so that he could look out for my application.

This of course doesn't mean i'm in - it just means there is still a (good) chance. All i can say is that thank god that firstly i achieved such good school exam results (at a time when arguable the exams were harder than nowadays) and also that my tutor from my old uni is such a cool guy. Sigh... :).

I dunno - i feel happy and relieved but also somewhat disappointed - "you were averaging a 2.1 in your first two years and obviously you met our MSci requirements"... is what my tutor said to me when looking back through my record (i'm amazed he still has it). Basically i wasn't a bad student - i could've left my VERY GOOD uni with a GOOD degree and now be in GOOD employment like most of my friends are now. I wish i hadn't given up like i had - this one mistake will haunt me for the rest of my life i think. It really does hurt so bad - i'm living and have lived life for the last 2 years as an 'under-achiever' - and that's not me at all - far from it.

I hope Sharon is right with her "everything happens for a reason" - also, i'm still here right? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger? I HOPE SO.

Also - earlier today my old boss from the local hospital (pathology department) called asking if i'm available to work for the next 2 months - of course i am - she said she'll get back to me soon. That's good - i need both the money and the human contact.

Off to watch the tennis. Sharapova's grunts and skirt will help ease my mind.

Sunday

2005-06-26T21:37:00.000Z

Just come back from dropping off my sis-in-law to her house in central London - ok, in all seriousness now - Arash, stop driving so fast - you are going to get killed or worse, kill someone else. Stop it.

As the day closes to an end, i'm looking back on a really depressing day. It started well enough - completed my 4th run this week in excellent time - looking 'forward' to tomorrow's weigh-in. But after that, the rest of the day just weighted down on me so much - the prospect of having to finalise my uni application really messed me about - i just couldn't do it. Sigh... .

Also i heard today from a friend that i haven't really talked to properly for quite some time. He only had more depressing things to tell me concerning his life - he's in a really difficult and messed up situation in regards to his wife and kid. Serious stuff that makes my troubles look like nothing in comparison. I mean i will never turn down a friend in need, and it seems that alotta ppl come to me when they're down to talk - i don't mind, i like to help and feel useful - but today, i couldn't help thinking that i really didn't want any part of his grief - that i didn't want to hear him out nor really care as to what he should do. That made me feel really bad - i mean he's a friend who has come to me in his time of need - i shouldn't turn him away. I didn't - i tried to help as best i could but it is an awefully messed up situation and i just couldn't help thinking "i don't need this shit right now".

:(... i mean i'm not 'right' myself. I won't be until i get my life going again, and well to hear someone else's troubles like that really pulls me down into the doldrums even further. God - what a totally messed up day. For my friend's sake i really hope he is able to sort things out. No one deserves the crap he is going through right now.

Also - i was hoping to chat with Sil this weekend - so Sil if you happen to read this - where were you?! I only ever get to see you on the weekends and i love the 'distraction'. I wanted to ask how you were feeling now.

I really miss talking with Sil - it's silly and dumb i know - but i can't help how i feel. I still haven't let go of that 'idea' that life seems better when talking with her. I dunno - it's like this 'entity' (living person of course) whom i've never met, who lives in a far away place (lol) - and well, i like the idea that i can converse with such a person like we do. I dunno - it's just the way i feel. I know it sounds needy and sad, but then there you go. And seriously - i feel really sad that i didn't get to chat with her this weekend.

So yea - all in all - a very shitty weekend. It's gonna be a hellish week as well - the uni stuff has to be done by thursday, and well i'm not sure i can make the deadline. But i must :(.

I'm not happy today.

Saturday

2005-06-25T12:09:00.000Z

Still no email :(

Breathing is better now but it was strained this morning and running was definitely hard - it's hard to run when you can't catch your breath properly :/. Still - i'm glad i didn't even let something as NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE stop me from doing my run - i'm determined to have at least this one thing in my life run properly.

Back to feeling all fucked up - last night's lil excursion with my friend, although good and enjoyable, has kinda left me feeling very 'sad' for want of a better word. But i really don't wanna talk about it now.

Friday

2005-06-24T00:00:00.000Z

Well... email sent. It should await my tutor first thing in the morning in his inbox. I expect he'll reply back pretty quickly - he's good like that.

I'm scared. Really scared. If he says he is unable to provide me with a reference, I don't know what i am supposed to do then. More than that, I don't think i will have the strength or fotritude to find out what I'm supposed to do next in order to complete and send off my application successfully, especially given the time that is now left before the deadline.

I am a broken man. I am so fucked up it's beyond belief.

UPDATE:- it's gone midday and still no reply from tutor - i'm starting to worry.

UPDATE #2:- 7pm now and still no email - i'm pooping my pants. Also even though within the last two days i've managed to get my allergies under control by dosing myself up to the eyeballs with double the reccommended medicine, today i'm having a lil difficulty breathing - i've had to use my inhaler to help me breathe - i'm hoping this doesn't turn into a full blown attack like last summer :/... i'm dubious as to whether or not hit the gym tonight.

UPDATE #3:- still no email - i may as well give up hope now for getting it tonight. Just come back from working out and now it's harder to breathe than ever - needed another puff from inhaler but it hasn't done much - i've already taken the recommended dosage - oh shit - i need to somehow catch my breath with one of those exercises or im screwed... :(... oh woe is me.

UPDATE #4:- still no email :( - just had a shower - breathing a lil better now but not by much - spent 5mins alooking at myself in mirror nekkid and touching myself - no joke :/... going for a drive now with a friend - i need to get outta this house and i need to be distracted by the ramblings and bitchings of another and no one rambles and bitches as much as this friend - he's also the one who drove me down to A+E about this time last year when i had an asthma attack up in the Lake District - he was drunk then :/... so if i have an attack tonight, at least i'm riding with the right friend but im hoping history doesnt repeat itself but i am in all honesty scared - i cant fuckin breathe - sigh

UPDATE #5:- 11:52PM - just got back from sitting in the park with before-mentioned friend - just sitting in the cool summer night - talking about everything and anything - hot topic of discussion as always was girls and love :/... :) - brought back alotta (drunken) memories :)... made me kinda sad as well... wouldve been the perfect time and place to spend talking and just being with that 'special someone' that i kinda yearn for, but who doesn't actually 'exist' :( - i really want to cuddle with that someone right about now - to feel safe in her warm embrace, knowing that i love her and that she loves me - wherever she may be right now - dammit, i thought i was past all this BS in my life, but i'm not. Sigh.. still - it was nice catching up with my friend.

Breathing is still kinda tight and i am a lil worried. Hopefully it'll ease during the night - im unsure whether to go running tomorrow morning or not. I shouldn't really but i'll feel like a slacker if i don't :( - hmmm - i hope i'm alrite :/ - gd nite

Thursday

2005-06-23T20:21:00.000Z

Email drafted - just need to add a lil more to it and then i wil email it off tonight before bed. Let's hope that my tutor;

1. Remembers me
2. Is willing to write me a reference
3. Has time to write me a reference.

Another EXCELLENT day of tennis, unfortunately Tim Henman lost at the hands of the Russian Dmitry Tursunov. Still, as sad as that is, what an exciting game to watch.

It's weird you know. Sometimes i look at myself in the mirror, nekkid, and think i'm pretty damn hot. Other times, like now, i look and all i see is horrible and makes me unhappy. A friend says it's physchological - as in when i feel good about myself anyhow i look in the mirror and see all that is good, but when i'm not feeling so good about myself, all i see are the faults. There could be some truth in that, but my self-preception of my body varies wildly within the same day. Usually after showering i think i look best and after exercise - in the morning i always think i look kinda 'deflated' - could be some truth in that as well - blood-flow in muslces etc.

Regardless, i think there's lil doubt in my mind that i have made a significant change to my body for the better these last 5-6 months gone. I mean i've lost weight and gained strength - i need to constantly keep reminding myself of this because my stamina and determination are wavering in face of all this uni crap i'm stressing over. Uni and general associated life crap that is really playing on my mind and hurting my self-esteem and confidence. I've gotta keep at it if someday i wanna really be able to say that i "did it".

Yea - look hot, look not so hot - you're doing ok Arash - you've worked hard to get back into good shape, now keep at it and don't let it slip now that you are finally getting into good habits. Let's have at least one thing in your life that is going your way that you can be happy about. Good boy :)

Wednesday

2005-06-22T00:04:00.000Z

Since i said on Monday i had to write that email, i've managed to watch the remaining half of season 2 of 24. But still no email. If i don't do it today, i may as well not bother. I'm flippin' useless to say the least. I don't know why it's so hard for me just to face up to it.

Dammit Arash - wtf is wrong with you?

UPDATE:- still no email and the afternoon is drawing to a close. Sigh...

Another good day for tennis - more good games and enjoyable moments. Saw the same mad-looking chinese guy in the crowd again trying to get players' autographs as they left :). I wonder if he'll be around on centre court tomorrow.

I was just thinking, it'd be so cool to be a tennis player and play at Wimbledon. The crowds are always so supportive and warm to everyone and encourage them even when defeat is inevitable. Like today, when Ivan Minar's defeat at the hands of Roger Federer (who i always think looks like the long lost brother of Quentin Tarantino) was quite literally a point away, the crowd gave the guy so much encouragement and were just glad to see that he actually managed to win at least one game in the third and final set.

Not a bad looking bloke at all is our Roger ;)

"Come on Arashdeep!"

I would love to hear the crowd shout that out. Even if i'd cringe at hearing my full name :/... maybe they'd learn to shout Arash instead.

:)... {dreams}... yea... that would be great... even moreso than being a heavy metal guitarist i think... just being out there in the court... infront of all those fans... kicking tennis butt and getting recognised as being good at something... yea... i'd love that... and of course... FEMALE FANS! :D

Tuesday

2005-06-21T10:40:00.000Z

Longest day of the year. Should give me ample time to write that email then i guess.

:/

Monday

2005-06-20T09:13:00.000Z

First thing's first - Monday weigh-in - lost 2lbs from last week - now i'm back to the weight i was at before the 'birthday beer and ice cream'... :/... :). I'm just glad to see that sweating it out on the treadmill this week gone in hellishly hot weather was worth it. Self-esteem boost - CHECK.

I MUST email my head of department at my old university today and ask for a reference for my uni application. I don't have a clue as to what to say to him. The poor guy has written to me and emailed me like 4/5 times since i dropped out 2 years ago, asking me whether i'm doing ok and informing me that i still have an opportunity to re-sit my missed exams and get back in (too late now btw, not that i really had any chance of catching up). I never did reply - i just couldn't. It was just really awkard and messed up.

But now i have to email him after half a year, just out of the blue, and ask him for a reference. He's a nice enough guy, but that doesn't mean he'll neccesarily just do it. I mean there are rules and guidelines etc here. A reference is supposed to be someone who is able to comment on my academic credability and ability. I haven't studied for 2 years now - how is he supposed to be able to comment of my academic ability now? He doesn't know what i'm like now.

Sigh... i dunno. Maybe i'm making too big a deal out of it. I think i should explain to him exactly what i've been doing for the past 2 years since i dropped out - which of course is nothing. No job, nothing academic. Maybe i can try and win the sympathy vote - explain to him just how messed up i've been and how i want to get my life back on track. I don't like doing that though - feel like i'm lying. At the time when i decided to drop out of uni, everyone was telling me to just say i was depressed and couldn't handle things anymore. That way i would be allowed a lil breathing room and wouldn't just have to drop out totally. Even my head asked me if i was depressed - i just couldn't bring myself to say it. Instead i just prattled off on some stuff about looking at people on the train during the commute into London, and wondering what their lives were like - if they were happy. He told me to see someone at student counselling - i took the details but never looked into it, or back at uni when i left.

I'm dreading emailing him. If he says he cannot give me a reference, then i don't know what i'm supposed to do. Of course, i still have to write my own personal statement and explain in that what i've been doing for the last few years and why i wish to study again now. None of this is going to be easy. How do i explain the fact i've done nothing for 2 years?

Well, ok. Let's just see what happens. I hope my head just remembers me when i email :/.

Now though, need to go food shopping. No food in house for me. But i won't procrastinate on this all day. No. Food shop, watch an episode of 24 (just one!), write and send email to head. OK - wish me luck.

UPDATE:- just got back from shopping - i don't usually shop on a Monday morning, so i was kinda surprised to see all the women with their babies and lil kids and pregnant women - loads of 'em, all over the place - i felt a lil uncomfortable :/

UPDATE #2:- ok, just finished watching an episode of 24, but dammit, it's so damn EXCITING atm, i HAVE TO WATCH ANOTHER!!!! I KNOW I KNOW!!!! :P

UPDATE #3:- dammit, i so wanna watch another episode, but no - i have a few errands to run - one of which includes getting some more allergy medication - pills didnt work, doubling the pills didnt work, let's see if throwing a nasal spray into the mix makes any diff :/

UPDATE #4:- errands done, watched another episode of 24 whilst eating lunch - all episodes watched for now - no more excuses - write the damn email already Arash

UPDATE #5:- got the email, just need to write it. But the dishes beckon me - i must wash them :/... :(... i'm pathetic.

UPDATE #6:- just worked out - almost killed myself on last set of bench - not funnt at all - scary - and still no email - heaven help me - i need help

My Boxers and I...

2005-06-19T11:54:00.000Z

... will be spending the day together, maybe with my tee shirt joining us from time to time through the course of the day, just sitting here, together, alone, trying to do as little as possible in order to get through this hellishly hot weather.

Allergies are 'ok' today, but then i did take double the amount of the recommended medication - one pill a day was just not cutting it. I doubt it'll be a problem - except that now it'll cost me twice as much to get through the week allergy free. People who don't suffer from allergies as bad as i do in the summer just cannot comprehend how tough it is and how much it can screw one up mentally and exhaust physically. If you did, you would realise why i hate the summer so.

Still - at least no asthma attack this year round... (yet) :/.

Thinking happy thoughts...

I Close My Eyes, Ignore the Smoke, Ignore the Smoke, Ignore the Smoke

2005-06-18T14:05:00.000Z

My dress and fashion sense suck to say the least. I get comfortable wearing the same few items of clothing, and then hold onto them for dear life, through wear and tear until i have completely rendered them unwearable. Even then it's on someone else's orders (usually my mum's) that i get rid of said clothing and try and fill the void with another t-shirt, shirt or pair of jeans that i figure i don't look so bad in.

Don't look so bad in - that's just my problem. I shouldn't be trying to just "not look bad" but actively seeking to look great! I mean my brother for example, who sits on the completely opposite end of the COOL-O-METER to me, has a really great fashion sense and he knows it. He knows how to work it and show off his threads - that's not to say he's one of those 'stuck-up' label fashion idiots - no, he just has this way about him with the things we chooses to wear - he's very original to say the least. He must have a thousand weird-ass tee shirts and ten even weirder belts to match his hundred pairs of jeans.

Just now as he was leaving for the weekend to go attend a party at his friends, i noted he had (yet another) new tee shirt on.

"Cool tee shirt".

"Yea i know :P".

"My dress sense really sucks - i look like such a dork and you're always looking so trendy - i'm gonna be going to uni hopefully soon and i wanna dress to impress - i wanna appear to be that older COOLER guy - not some loser dork to all the young girlies".

"Just copy me".

"No, that wouldn't work, you have a totally different body type to me" - he's very much a slim build and i'm just big. That's just one of the few differences between us - we pretty much are total opposites on almost everything - i don't see how the heck we are brothers - we couldn't be more different - i'm starting to think now that the 'joke' my dad used to tell us when we were kids that my brother was adopted (heehee) actually holds some truth! :/

"Don't worry - i'll help you sort yourself out".

I hope so - i'm tired of looking all geeky and dorky. I wanna look COOL dammit - i'm about to enter the real world again soon, and well i wanna be 'ready' so that i give myself at least half a chance of actually being, happy? - or something. It's not about me changing to be someone i'm not, that's not it at all. It's just about presenting myself differently - you know - to 'sell myself' in a more attractive packaging so that there may actually be a chance that someone may be intersted in buying. :/... how LAME did that just sound??? Heehee - DORK!

*sigh*... i dunno. I hope i sort something out. It's just dawned on me that this whole physical appearance thing is something that is important to me now - i need to get it right - i need that self-esteem boost.

I dunno... *sigh*.

So Let Us Not Talk Falsely Now, The Hour's Getting Late

2005-06-16T13:06:00.000Z

I've gotta learn to speed up my morning rituals. My alarm goes off, i count down from 10 in my head, jump out of bed as soon as i hit zero, bathroom routine, change into gym clothes, go for a 40min run, shower, make breakfast, eat breakfast - all that takes me way too long. Ideally i need to trim 30mins off the 2 hours all that currently takes me to do from beginning to end.

Hmmm... well, for starters, i need to stop checking myself out in the mirror at every opportunity that presents itself :/. That alone must add up to at least 10mins in total - before i brush my teeth i'm there infront of the mirror, after i've brushed my teeth, after my run when i'm all flushed and sweaty, before jumping into the shower, after jumping out of the shower. I'm developing a narcissistic complex for sure - i wonder how long it'll be before i start turning myself on (without touching myself of course - heehee).

Add that to the obsessive compulsive personality trait i already suffer from, and i'm a self-help author's dream come true. I obsess over so many things. I think everything to death. Even something that is good, and really has no 'flaws' or things that need any consideration let alone fretting over, i will totally over-think and pick at until everything that was good just gets lost amidst a load of incoherent, dumb thoughts and random inklings.

"You think too much Arash". Sharon has said that to me more than once just these last two weeks gone during one of our 'therapy sessions'. I'll mention something to her that is on my mind and bothering me. Just in a matter-of-fact way. Then i'll just run off on a stream of thought, and run with it until i'm asking questions that are in no way relevant to what the heck i even said was bothering me in the first place.

"You think too much".

Yes, we've ascertained that. So how do i stop from doing that?

"Stop thinking so much".

Ah, see, if only it was that simple.

I think alotta the obsessive behaviour of mine is due to the innate scientific nature of my mind. I like precision and exactness. I like it when something is either right or wrong - i don't want any grey areas! I can't handle grey areas - it's either black or it's white and if it's not, then i'm gonna become unstuck trying to figure out how the hell to deal with something. Now, i know that rarely in life are things either one way or the other - neither black nor white. One way i think i've started to deal is not to think about things at all - so that i don't have to deal, and that's just bad.

Another thought that just came to my mind that may explain why i act like this - seeing as how i've effectively 'retired' from life for the last few years, there are very few things that i actually have under my control. I have very few responsibilities - no obligations to anyone or for anything. So all the little things in my life that i do get done, i obsess over them because they are in my control. So i'll obsess over the whole gym and diet thing for example. I mean i think everyone wants to feel useful and needed in some shape or form, and seeing as how my quota for usefulness and neededness (is that even a word?) are nowhere near to being met, i will obsess over the smallest things in order to feel as though i am doing something worthwhile and that i am useful and that people do need me.

Hmmm... much food for thought right there.

Right well, ok - self-diagnosis complete for this morning.

Erm... less time posing infront of mirror; less time soaping myself up in shower. I will definitely work on both those come my next morning run, and see if i manage to shave valuable minutes off my morning routine. I don't have anything of much worth to put those saved minutes to right now, but someday soon i'm sure i will, so i should really start working on it now :o)

Reason, Romance and Regret

2005-06-14T11:23:00.000Z

I was talking with a friend the other night - just venting to her and telling her how it's really hard for me to try and shake the constant nagging thought that i've wasted so much of my time now and accomplished nothing. I was telling her how it bothers me so much and i wish i could just look forward to the future and not dwell on past mistakes.

In an attempt to help put my mind at ease, she relayed to me the story of how she came to be with her current boyfriend, whom she is very much in love with and can honestly see herself being with for the rest of her life. Without going into the details, she basically told me that she couldn't have wished to have met someone more perfect, and would have never gotten to be with him had the hurtful and upsetting series of events that went before never transpired.

"Everything happens for a reason" is what she said to me. She honestly believes that.

To me however, the idea that somehow everything that happens to us is part of some grand scheme for life already determined and mapped out for us, is nothing but a romantic notion - fanciful, imaginative, but most certainly impractical and unlikely.

It is a nice thought. I can see where she wanted to run with it :o). I actually said to her after that if ever in my life from here on out, there comes a time when something momentous happens to me, that changes my life forever and it dawns on me that such a thing may never have come to be had I not wasted these last five years of my life... then i would run to call her straight away to let her know that everything does indeed happen for a reason!

Right now though i'm just full of loads of dread and regret when i think about all that i haven't done and all that i could have accomplished. But i'm certainly going to try and get things back on track again now. Although i don't really believe, i am secretly praying that someday (soon!) i will indeed be able to look back and say that these wasted, frustrating, hurtful years happened to me for a reason - that something good did ultimately come out of it all that otherwise would never have come to be. What i certainly don't want is to regret the mistakes i've made for the rest of my life... :o(...

... :o)

Hangovers, Tennis & Changes

2005-06-12T18:18:00.000Z

It's after 6 in the evening and i still feel icky and hungover... bleh... i can't believe i used to get like this regularly - what a horrid feeling. I need to learn to 'curb my enthusiasm' around alcohol :o)... well, i don't plan on drinking again for a while now - back to exercise mode and keep fit.

Today was the final of the Stella Artois Tennis Championships between Andy Roddick and new comer Ivo Karlovic. I actually stupidly forgot to watch it - i kinda did want to following Roddick's semi-final yesterday that i did watch a lil of and enjoyed. Oh well. Anyway, Roddick won for the third consecutive time. Tim Henman failed to make it to the finals yet again :o/... :(.

Anyway, well done Roddick - i'm looking forward to Wimbledon this year - i usually catch the finals. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing last year's women's winner, the gorgeous Maria Sharapova. She blew everyone away last year when she beat Serena Williams in the final - i mean she was only 17 years old at the time! She was pretty much unheard of until she started annihilating her competition at Wimbledon last year - all of a sudden people started taking notice. So yea - defo looking forward to seeing her on the telly ;)

Hmmm... 6' of FINE :p

Change - human beings don't like change. Our bodies and minds are setup so as to resist change - we want life to be as easy as possible for us, and we don't like venturing outside our 'comfort zones'. Change is difficult. But in this day and age, not a lot of people can afford not to change. We all have to put ourselves 'out there' and adapt to new things as and when they come our way.

For the last 2 years, i haven't changed nor had to adapt to anything. I furiously resisted change by taking myself out of the game - i've sat on the sidelines as life has passed me by and seen other people live theirs. All the while resisting change, unwilling to get back to living my life, and it's getting harder and harder for me to get my life going again as every day, week, month, year has passed. I honestly can't believe i did this to myself. But now i NEED TO CHANGE - i need to put this lil 'period' behind me. It won't be easy - i must accept that. But i know that once things start going again, once i make the first few changes to get my life on some sorta road to somewhere again, that it will get easier. It's those first few steps that are the hardest.

I can't afford to waste anymore time. Not now. I'm sick of it all now. Sick of feeling like this - feeling 'sorry' for myself, hating myself for being this way and not doing anything. Tired of people asking me what's wrong and telling me to start doing something again. It ends now. Tomorrow i am going to start university applications - it's already very late, but luckily i still have a few weeks left. I really don't know what the chances are of me getting in anywhere, but i honestly won't know until i at least try and apply. And then depending upon what does or doesn't happen, i can decide what to do next. Like i said, i will have to adapt and adjust as things come my way. But what i cannot do anymore is 'exist' like this. Always frustrated and annoyed and angry with myself - doing anything and everything to try and avoid life and not think about problems.

Life needn't suck, especially not one like mine. I have everything here on offer for me. This will be tough - but i know i can do it. I don't know what will happen, but it's time i found out. Time to stop being scared about the future and instead take a different perspective and be excited. Nobody knows what the future holds - who knows, 5 years from now i may be married to Maria Sharapova - LOL! ;o)

DEEP BREATH... :o)

PS - thanks Pawan - *HUG*

Drunk... :)

2005-06-12T02:47:00.000Z

:)... i'm pretty hammered right now. Gonna try my best to type something that makes sense and that is comprehnesible :).

Erm.... didn't do much for my b'day. The day was same-old. Worked out in the evening @7pm - shoulder workout to make up for the missed workout yesterdat due to evil allergies :/... :). Then... went to offie mate, got a whole load of brews in - got drunk and nice and toastie with my bro. For once, i didn't start an argument with him. He himself was only too eager to point that lil fact out whilst we were driving home (the long way);

"The last few times we've sessioned together, you always have a go at me, for no apprent reason - just go off on me - why Arash?"

"When one is drunk, inhibitions go and i guess i'm just letting you know how i REALLY feel about you"

Well, that didn't happen tonight. Just chilled out and had a lil laugh with my bro whom i love loads. He is a decent guy who is clever and AWESOME to say the least. We drank outside, and he showed me how to spot the 'big dipper' in the sky... now i know.

:)... i don't wanna talk about what i wanna talk about next. Mostly because i wanna believe it's something i've put outta my mind. But it's not. No it's not - far from it. I wish i could just forget about her - she's getting on with her life now - why the heck can't i let it go? I don't know. Sil - i still care for you so much - you still keep me up awake late at night. I honestly wish i didn't feel this way, please believe me - i want you to get on with your life and be happy. If you're happy, i'm ecstatic - please believe me. Sigh... i just dunno.

No - this IS MY PROBLEM. Not yours. You know, just reading your e-card tonight and knowing that you stilll remembered my b'day and giive a damn - it means more than you know. Just knowing you care means an aweful lot. Yea - thta's it right there. You are a GREAT FRIEND - i value your friendship more than you could possibly know. You're like this 'weird', SPECIAL person in my life - i'm so glad i met you and had the chance to get to know you. You've brought me more happiness and joy these last few months than anyone ever. It really doesn't matter if i can't 'be' with you - you're still my friend, and i'm eternally grateful for that. I mean more than anything, i just miss talking with you. I hate not knowing what is going on with you in your daily life. I hate you not knowing what is going on with me (well, not mcuh actually! :p). But you know - as long as we stay freinds, talking even every now and again - i think i'll be ok with that. I think i just lightened my emoitional baggage... yea for me!

Sorry - i'm drunk and talking nonesense. :)... i think you get me though. Do i wish things could be different? YES - i wish i at least lived in the same country as you. But i don't - fair enough - that's life.

Ahhh.... this is all so silly and so... silly :). I'm drunk - just rambling silly stuff.

That epiphany i was hoping for - i think i have realised it in part. LOOK - i can't apologise for it more than i have already - Silja has been a huge part of my 'life' for the past few months - she was basically the only friend i had for a good 4 months. It's hard for me to let her 'go'. (didn't i just lighten my baggage - LOL - Arash you DORK!). But i know i have to. I can - i'm ok with it - i'm ok with it as long as she's happy, and for the most part i believe she is (well, i know she's not HAPPY happy with things, but she's still kinda happy with things - huh? :/) - there's no way i would ever jepardise that. She's a great girl - i wish her the best - end of story, She's my friend - i just hope i get the chance to *HUG* her someday. NOW.... i need to live my own life...

... thta part is infiniteky more difficult. I'm at such a loss. What to do - i dunno. I've lost my vogour for life. It's incredibly difficult for me to get excited about anything these days.

OK - i'm way too out of it to blog anymore. Drank too much tonight. Good news is i prob won't be doing it for another 5-6 months -*YAWN*... love handles, belly - yea... i prefer to workout than get drunk.

Good night all. Hope nothing i said offended or annoyed. It was never my intention - i'm just drunken rambling. :)

Those are big bttles btw - 600ml and 750ml :o)

Silja Mikkola Jensen - love you sweet-heart - now and forever - thank you so much for being my FRIEND. Rest-of the-world - don't be too mean. I'm just a silly boy, trying not to end up a bum whilst trying to work out what the hell to do with myself (queue BON JOVI - IT'S MY LIFE ;o) ) - be nice!

I'm 23 Today... :o(

2005-06-11T00:00:00.000Z

I hate birthdays. I'm really hating this one. Fuck - 23 - just saying it out loud... it feels so old. I feel so old. I know it's not really.

I guess I just feel that way cause of my situation. Because of the situation i've put myself in. Birthdays should be something to look forward to - i mean you ought to be able to look back on the past year and feel a sense of achievement for all that you've accomplished and achieved, and the LIFE you have LIVED. That's just my problem - i'm not living life - not at all. I haven't done since i dropped out of uni almost 2 years ago... well, 2 years ago. I don't know how I've allowed things to get so bad.

I'm a smart guy - i know i am - I'm not being arrogent. I'm an intelligent guy and i can pretty much do ANYTHING if I put my mind to it. I didn't end up attending one of the best uni's in the world through sheer luck - i worked hard and had the goods - i had it all there for me for the taking. I let it slip away - i'm not sure why. I promised myself last year that i would be not be in the same situation i was then, now. But i am. This can't carry on. I owe myself better than that.

I'm kinda down now. I don't wanna be like this next birthday. I wanna be happy when i turn 24. I won't be if i fail to do anything again. I have to do something.

Regardless, right now, sitting here, i don't care. I don't wanna think about it. I'm just looking forward to getting drunk tonight and relaxing with my beloved music :o)... will be my first drink in ages. I hope i can reach that 'drunken nirvana' tonight. I wanna see the truth through stupid eyes :o)... maybe i'll have an ephiphany and suddenly realise the answer to my problems. Doubtful, but still... not impossible. Hee hee - i'm so stupid.

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y T O M E !

Allergies & Degrees

2005-06-10T10:27:00.000Z

Seriously, if they're this bad now, this early into summer, i shudder to think what it'll be like in July and August time. {blows nose} - ah ffs. Think i'm gonna have to take something else besides these shitty tablets to help ease my suffering. I HATE THE SUMMER!

Bro called home yesterday - he got his 'Pharmacy degree' result - a 2.1 - that's brilliant. But it's not the end of the line for him - just a 'temporary stop' - he has another 3 years to go until he graduates with a medical degree. Well done bruv - keep up all the hard work - you work hard and party hard and even though you will argue the point with me, you are living life to it's fullest :) - you are the kinda person i wish i was - we're all proud of you! *HUG*

We are blood related - i mean you have the same kinda genes i do etc right? So maybe there's still hope for me yet :)

{sneezes - blows nose} - oh god :(

Breakfast IS the Most Important Meal of the Day

2005-06-08T12:26:00.000Z

Make no mistake about it. I make a point of eating a solid, satisfying breakfast every morning, packed pull of complex carbohydrates (low glycemic index carbs), a decent serving of protein (which helps lower the overall G.I. of my breakfast further still) and fat consisting of all the essential fatty acids and oils the body needs.

I know i'm REALLY anal about it - i weigh and measure it all out :/, but hey - i don't care - it makes me happy to take the time and effort to give myself the best start to my day. It is quite a hefty meal though, which usually isn't a problem, certainly these days of running-in-the-morning-and-no-carbs-before-bed as im absolutely famished come breakfast, but when i'm upset, which seems to be the story of my life as of late, it becomes a chore to get it all down :(.

Anyway, becuase i have nothing better to blog about and i kinda needed to do this anyway for myself, i present "My Power Breakfast" ... ;)...

660ml mineral water
1 multivitamin
1 tablespoon of cold-pressed seed oil
1 probiotic yogurt

*PORRIDGE*
120g OATS
500ml soy milk (sweetened)
25g honey
1 large banana

*PROTEIN SHAKE*
50g protein whey powder
330ml orange juice

APPROXIMATE TOTAL NUTRITIONAL COMPOSITION;

185g CARBOHYDRATES
70g PROTEIN
35g FAT

Nice. That'll keep hungar at bay easily for 3-4 hours.

I Must Have a Death Wish

2005-06-06T12:23:00.000Z

Just gotten home from driving back from central London, at insanely fast, stupid and dangerous speeds. I was doing speeds in excess of 100mph on 50mph and 70mph carriage-ways. At one point, i had to break VERY HARD from 80mph to stop from hitting a motorbike A FAR WAY down the road that had stopped in (unexpected) traffic - that was scary.

I dunno what comes over me sometimes like today. I knew what i was doing was illegal and very dangerous. I dunno - something just happens - air conditioning on, music playing, 'open' road (fast lane) - there's a certain power and feeling to be had when coming up fast behind another car and flashing them out your way and zooming past. Even more stupidly, i had just passed a police car at one point but even that didn't deter me.

Funnily enough, before leaving my brother's place in London, i did tell him that today i wouldn't be driving fast. That i was of quite a nervous/upset disposition today - another night where i didn't sleep well and had troubling thoughts/dreams. I told him that my heart was feeling faint and i would be 'grannying' it back home in the slow lane. That didn't take at all.

I don't know why i do these things, short of maybe i really do have some kinda death wish. Or maybe i'm a closet thrill junkie? :). But it certainly has come to my mind before when doing high speeds, "what if i was to just pull the car into the barriers right now?".

I should apologise to Vanita (my car) as well. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way. I really do run her very hard sometimes.

I need to stop being so stupid. There are only so many times i will be lucky.

Birthday In a Week

2005-06-04T13:14:00.000Z

Not looking forward to it. Just like the last few birthdays it will serve simply as a reminder of the time that i am wasting doing absolutely nothing - just letting life slip me by. This one will be worse however - alotta stuff has happened lately that pains, angers and saddens me greatly still. It has infact stopped me from doing what i've wanted that only a few months ago i seemed so certain and positive and hopeful about. It shouldn't have, but it has. It has because I've allowed it to - it has because i'm weak, because i seem incapable of letting things go. I can't blame anyone else. I don't blame anyone else.

I've experienced alotta heartache and hurt, anger and frustration - all without drink. For me that's a huge feat - 5 months (pretty much) of no drinking following a messy year of binges. For once i tackled a problem head-on - didn't drink to forget or reflect through the 'clarity' of a drunken mind - you know - the one that lets you grieve in that 'life is life' kinda way. It's the only time i truely believe life is pointless at the end of the day, and that TRUTH instills in me a quiet calm - a drunken nirvana :)

It's for that reason I think i will allow myself to get quietly drunk next Saturday. Not because i deserve it - i don't. But because i am weak and i have not been able to deal very well with things that have happened lately. I haven't been able to let go as much as i know i should. I need to snip the umbilical residue that is keeping me from killing 'you'.* If i can realise it when i'm drunk and 'enlightened', maybe i can begin to let it go for real.

Exercise and diets be damned for one night. I'm getting drunk next Saturday. I don't deserve it but i need to grieve and to let go. I need to start living my life already - it may be pointless, but i think i'd still like to have a lil fun living it. Right now, i'm not having much fun. I need to let go.

*A Perfect Circle, "Orestes"

Erin Is a Beautiful Name

2005-06-03T15:21:00.000Z

Wow - just finished watching the final, double length episode of LOST. That means i've managed to get through the entire 25 episode series in just 5 days MINUS ad-breaks and those annoying having-to-wait-till-next-week-to-find-out-wtf-is-going-on suspense's. What an experince it has been. Just, wow.

Still, the story hasn't reached an end as i had once thought it may near the beginning (i mean that makes sense i guess - what TV show only has one series these days?). There will be a second series and we'll have to wait to for the answers to the many questions that still remain - dammit! Sigh... something to look forward to though i guess :). The only pickle i'm left with now is what to do when the second series airs. Do i watch it week by week as it gets aired an episode at at time, or should i wait until the very end like i did this time and watch them altogether as one mammoth feature length movie? Hmmm... :).

Brilliant stuff. Highly recommended to anyone who has yet to watch.

I'm sad now though - the adventure is over :(. These past few days have been so great getting lost in the world of LOST and forgetting about life. I'll miss it.

I'll finish by paying a lil homage to Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer;

Definitely one of my fav characters in the story - love his cheeky, cocky character. He's a tough guy but he's not really - he is a good guy deep down and it's genuinely heart-warming when he shows it. Reminds me A LOT of my cousin, who both looks and behaves like him. I think they're even very similar in age (30 somethings) - hmmm... intriguing :).

Oh sod it - here's another picture - this time of Emilie De Ravin aka Claire;

Gosh, this girl so cute! :) Does it make me sound like a stupid kid if i say i kinda-sorta-fancy her? I just think she's adorable! But man, can she cry! Hee hee.

So yea, go watch LOST if you haven't, then we can all sit around talking about just what the hell it's all about! HEY MAN - with TV this good, i'm proud to stand up and be counted as a TV junkie! (except i d/l'ed and watched it all on my monitor and there really was no TV involved at any stage of my enjoyment of this AWESOME series).

Now... get LOST! ;)

French Tipped Fingernails...

2005-06-02T23:45:00.000Z

... really irk me to say the least. I don't find them attractive - infact, i find them a TOTAL TURN-OFF.

French tipped toe-nails are even worse.

YUCK.

Keep it clean ladies. The natural look will always win points with me and indeed any guy who appreciates TRUE BEAUTY in this world of fake titties we live in today.

LOST

2005-06-01T01:56:00.000Z

Awesome series. 11 episodes in and it's getting interesting as PHuck. A huge THANK YOU going out to Nick who recommended it to me (as well as passing the series torrent my way ;)).

But i've gotta stop watching it so late at night before bed - i scare easy :(.

I hope i don't have any nightmares tonight - i am a lil freaked out.

OK, So I Decided to Look For Something Else to Where...

2005-05-30T17:21:00.000Z

... and i went further than just the same old t-shirts. :)

Today was my weekly weigh-in - I averaged in @248lbs - i've finally broken that elusive 250lbs mark that i've been aiming for a few weeks now - i just kept tethering on the edge of it - didn't seem to be losing the weight at a rate of 2lbs per week as i had been - maybe because my desire/stamina had been waning for a few weeks now - not eating regularly, missing the odd run etc. I mean it's even affected my MOJO :(.

So anyway - i decide to try out a few 'old clothes'. Basically ones i had 'outgrown' - clothes i've not been able to wear since i dropped outta uni and gained weight basically. I've not been near my uni weight of 210lbs for 2 years now (and tbh, i looked anorexic at that weight so it's not a weight i really wanna be hitting this time round).

But back to the clothes - THEY FIT! And i looked GOOD! I ran downstairs at one point to show off my 'party shirt' that i haven't worn FOREVER to my mum. I even tried on Sil's 'XXL' ;) t-shirt again... even though it's still skin-fit and makes me look like a gay guy about to go out on the pull (it is a lovely tee though Sil - HONEST!), it looks/fits better than it did a month or so ago when i recieved it and first tried it on. Maybe one day i'll have courage enough to take a picture and show it off :/... :).

But yea - i spent about 40mins just trying on various clothes, in various combinations and DANCING! LOL - i've not danced like that since, you guessed it, UNI DAYS - i used to do it when getting dressed to go out clubbing to get myself in the mood :D.

Oh my - i'm so happy. I mean it's been an extremely tough 3/4 months of dieting and exericise, that i started straight off from sitting on my behind for 2 years - and as of late my mindset and will power have been straying - i have wanted a drink so bad - almost gave in last night to a few shots but held strong. This is exactly the kinda encouragement and self-esteem boast i needed to get me back into the swing of things. I now have a new found vigour for my regime :)... i have the strength now to keep on doing this and keep at it for another 3 good months and I WILL!

LOL - i was dancing! Oh deary me.

And to think - none of this would have happened if my mum hadn't washed my clothes! This is why i love my mummy :)... <3

Flippin' Heck

2005-05-30T11:22:00.000Z

MUM:- "Shall i wash your shirt?"
ME:- "No"
MUM:- "I'll wash it - you've been wearing it for ages - and i'll throw in your t-shirt as well to make up a full load"

What the bloody hell was the point in even asking me then?

Arrgghhh... now i'll either have to stay in my night clothes all day or perform the arduous task of finding something else to wear that actually doesn't look stupid on me :(.

How Deep Is Your Love?

2005-05-29T14:44:00.000Z

... I really need to know...!

Woo-wee! :)

Just come back from a nice drive. Doing 60mph in a 30mph zone, air conditioning on, singing at the top of my lungs to the BEE GEES - HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. I didn't even know i knew the lyrics to that song :/... go figure.

That really felt good. Was supposed to be just popping down the road to the cash machine to pick up some cash for the parental units (yea, they trust me with their card!) and decided i felt like going for a quick drive on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

There is nothing quite like a fast drive through lazy Sunday afternoon traffic - love it! But yea, speeding is not funny people! Don't do it! Just cos i'm stupid - don't you be stupid too! ;)

I haven't been able to ORGASM for a few weeks now - my MOJO IS MISSING!...

Doctor Evil has stolen my mojo! Yea BABY!

... But - damn - that really got my heart pumping - the increased blood flow hasn't managed to find it's way downstairs though. :( - nvm - a short lived moment of ecstacy is better than none.

I was half tempted to hit the motorway and do a lap between the local junctions, but no - parents are cool with a "20min missing Arash" but "an hour missing Arash " would not tickle them in any way.

OK - back to being bored.

Pissed Off Before Bed

2005-05-28T00:31:00.000Z

It's 12:15am and it's 20oC outside... seriously... wtf?

Was brushing my teeth a few minutes ago and spilt my mouthwash all over the place in my frantic dash to close the bathroom window in order to stop this HUGE ugly looking bug from getting in - {shakes head}... the summer comes out and so do all the nasty bugs.

Last summer i was plagued almost every night by wasps and HUGE SPIDERS. It seems that every year the summers get hotter and the bugs become uglier and more exotic... global warming being experienced first hand.

I HATE THE SUMMER SO MUCH.

As i'm typing this i'm baking. Not only is it a hot night anyway, but i've just closed my bedroom window for fear of wasps/moths/UNIDENTIFIED-UGLY-BUGS getting in. I'll open it again once i go to bed and the lights are out and PRAY that nothing decides to crawl into my bed whilst i'm asleep (which isn't going to be easy when its 20oC!!!)

In the gym earlier i was sweating so much because of the heat - had to stop to wipe the sweat that was DRIPPING off my face every second between sets... ARGH! Tomorrow morning's run should be interesting :/.

You lot who love the summer can fuck off. FUCK RIGHT OFF. It's nothing but a load of BS as far as i'm concerned. It's just started (well, not even that technically) and i'm already praying for it to be over and pass as quickly as it can. I can't wait for the winter to roll round.

I really hate the summer.

I dunno how i'm supposed to sleep tonight.

It's 28oC and Sunny

2005-05-27T00:54:00.000Z

Please...

Kill

Me

Now.

When i 'grow up', i am definitely moving to someplace where the temperatures never exceed 20oC, even in the summer, and where it rains... a lot.

*sigh*... :(

Octavarium

2005-05-26T14:17:00.000Z

Picked up the new DREAM THEATER album OCTAVARIUM off the BitTorrent networks earlier today (a week or so before the official release)... wow. Finally got to put my newly upgraded 2Mb adsl to worthwhile use at last! 100MB+ d/l'ed in less than 10mins... yea, this is the good life :)

These guys NEVER fail to impress with every single song they put out. Truely musical geniuses. Beautiful music - simple as.

I will be listening to this album RELENTLESSY now for the next week at least!!! As i write this, i've just switched to the third track again now for the 6th time in a row... :/... oh god... cream worthy sh!t... :)

Someone please remind me to eat at least a few times during the day! :)

DREAM THEATER RULE!

... yea baby, YEA!

I'm Only Human... Sorry

2005-05-25T10:20:00.000Z

"And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming hostility,
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming hostility."

- A Perfect Circle, "Orestes"

Forgive. Forget. Let go.

Life is too short to sit around feeling sorry or hurt, or worse still, angry. Angry with oneself. Angry with other people.

People come to depend and expect things of others whom we feel are close to us and whom we allow to get close to us. We trust them to be there for us, to look out for us, to do right by us, to love us. We sometimes trust them with our hopes and dreams. And when these people don't behave the way we'd expect, the way we've come to trust and depend upon them, it hurts - the greater the love for someone, the worse the hurt when they let you down. The subsequent hurt can sometimes turn into a deep seeded hostility and hatred even towards those whom we care about and love the most. It's only human.

Hostility is exactly what i've been feeling for a while now towards every person in my life who matters. I feel let down by them all. I don't feel as though I have anyone on my side. I don't feel as though anyone understands me. I've never been this down and out. I've never needed someone to be there for me more than now and there is no one. Maybe i should just retire myself to the idea of getting through life alone, as painful a reality as that may be.

Everyone has their own dramas. Their own problems to deal with. Their own needs and wants that tend to come before the needs of others. It's only human. So is it really reasonable to expect others to live up to my expectations? Have I always lived up to others' expectations and been there when they needed someone? I would like to think so, but the truth is probably no - not always.

If I really want someone to be angry at, perhaps I should look to the powers that be, who hard-wired our brains like this, to make us all only human.

Forgive. Forget. Let go.

It's really not worth going through life being hostile and angry towards people, especially those you care for. And if someone knows how to do that, i'd appreciate it if they could tell me, because I don't seem to be able to forgive, nor forget, nor let go, as hard as I have tried.

I'm only human... sorry.

I've Run Outta Clean Boxers...

2005-05-22T09:53:00.000Z

... so i'll be going COMMANDO for today :).

This seems to happen to me every now and again when the clothes-washing falls behind schedule (READ:- when i can't be assed to wash my clothes).

Oh well - i suppose it's just as well in a way - it's good to give the boys a lil time to hang free every now and again. Afterall, i do plan on having kids someday ;).

NOTE TO SELF:- BE CAREFUL WHEN DOING UP ZIPPER AFTER GOING TO THE TOILET

Facial Hair Rules

2005-05-20T15:02:00.000Z

I haven't watched a movie in a long time. Well, that was until this week gone. I've been making up for my lack of movie watching by watching quite a few this last week. Needed something to distract me and allow to avoid facing real life issues.

So - over the last week, i've managed to get through the following;

- Garden State
- The Terminal
- Blade Trinity
- Meet the Fockers
- Hitch

Only the first 3 are really worth talking about, and even then BLADE TRINITY only gets a mention because of the fact i was WOWED by RYAN REYNOLDS' facial hair. The movie itself wasn't as good as i had hoped - i wasn't exactly expecting a deep, meaningful story line or anything (ffs - Dracula?!) but even the mind numbing action (which there is nothing wrong with if you just want to switch off your brain sometimes) pretty much failed to impress. I dunno - maybe it's all just gotten a lil old now :/.

But yea - RYAN REYNOLDS - this guy is funny. Seen him loads on TV before in the comedy "Two Guys and a Girl". I didn't realise he was in BLADE TRINITY. First time he made an appearance in the movie, i instantly recognised his voice but not the face - he had a beard! "Shit - is that Ryan Reynolds?! Damn - geeza looks good with a beard!"

Without Beard - meh;

With Beard - HOT!;

If you disagree, well, then allow you :/. I think i've become a BEARD BIGOT. I dunno - i just think that most people (men of course) look better sporting some kind of facial hair. I mean it's taken me over 5 years to fine tune my beard to what i think is the look that works best for me - during that time, i only went without some form of facial hair (long side-burns don't count) for like 8 months - scary time now that i look back on it - my face was nekkid and exposed to the mercy of the elements! There is NO WAY i will ever go clean shaven again!

I love my beard. I actually become upset if a shave doesn't go well such is my attachment to it. I just love it. Shampoo it and everything. When i started losing patches of hair in my beard late last year, i did actually get quite upset. I feared i would have to get rid of it. Fortunately the hair has returned since i decided to start eating healthy again - just a vitamin/mineral deficiency of some kind then, just has i had suspected/hoped.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

GARDEN STATE - what a GREAT movie this turned out to be. Wasn't quite the light hearted comedy i was expecting - a misconception probably born out of the fact that i've seen SCRUBS on tv a few times, which stars ZACH BRAFF in a very silly kinda role, who then is the lead in GARDEN STATE . It was actually pretty 'deep' - one of those movies about a person discovering themselves, love and who they are and what is truely important in life etc. I'm sure you know the type - it's been done before many times but not quite like this i think. It's... just nicely delivered :). I loved NATALIE PORTMAN's character - the compulsive liar with epilepsy - adorable. The scene at the end in the airport when the guy is about to leave the girl and she's upset, that is memorable for me.

- "We can work this stuff out. I wanna help you, you know. We need each other. I haven't even like lied in two days."
- "Is that true?"
- "No."

... :)

Rarely do i remember specific bits from a movie but this scene kinda hit home with me. Not exactly sure why. Well, maybe. Just 'reminded' me of what I perhaps may have been hoping for or dreaming of. Meh - i dunno. It made me cry in any case, but then that's no surprise. I'm PMS'ing big time as of late. Soundtrack to this movie was great as well.

THE TERMINAL - this was just brill. I pretty much will like any movie that stars TOM HANKS. I don't think he's ever starred in a bad movie has he? Best described as a down-to-earth feel-good movie i suppose - even if some bits were a lil unbelivable. I mean with the desk officier getting married to that guy who works there, without ever having even talked to him. WTF was that all about? :/... oh well, i guess it could happen. Certainly more belivable than Dracula sleeping for 4000 years in a temple in the Iraqi desert - LOL. Lordy me.

Yea... movies. Good stuff.

Facial hair... even better :).

Feeling Playful

2005-05-19T13:54:00.000Z

Well ok, just bored. I was thinking that i should adorn my 'flash gloves' again and maybe yank out a few objects to spice up my blog. Something like this that i made a while back perhaps;

Well, i could i suppose. Flashify the title so that it jumps about or something :/. Bah... forget it. I really can't be bothered with all that tedious stuff again. Plus, it may just be over-doing it. Oh well - there goes that idea for some time waste :)

~ Happy Birthday Silja ~

2005-05-19T00:00:00.001Z

*BIG BIRTHDAY HUG* :)

Have a truely wonderful birthday Sil. I hope all your wishes come true not only today, but every single day, now and forever.

Love, your friend, Arash.

-x-

Mummy... My Tummy Hurts :(

2005-05-17T19:25:00.000Z

Feeling stressed and tired. My back seems to be really tight today - think i may have overdone it in the gym yesterday. LOL - i was in a 'cheeky' mood - was jumping about whilst training and throwing weights around - that wasn't very clever with hindsight.

I don't wanna go train now :( ... but i must. Have to keep busy. Must be pro-active and I need every boost to my self-esteem that i can get atm. Exercise and training is the only thing i have going on right now and it's working - i'm seeing marked improvements every week almost. In fact, i think soon that i will be back to 'university day strictness', only minus the strictness :).

I used to be so militant a few years back in regards to the gym and diet. People used to say i was mad. I won't get like that again - i don't want to. It wasn't fun. Maybe that's one of the reasons why i gave it up. This time i am definitely going to take the 'fun' approach. Just do it because i genuinely want to because i believe that health and fitness is key to a sound and well balanced life, but most importantly, not be so strict with myself that i get angry and annoyed if i happen to miss a session or if i feel a session didn't go that well. Afterall, even a shit session in the gym is better than none at all. Even a shit session is a step in the right direction. And i also need to accept that it's ok to not like or want to train some days as long as you do try. I will defo need that last bit of thinking for today - bi day - i hate training bi's. Chest and shoulders are so much more fun.

Sigh... ok, time to go get changed. I hope my tee shirt has dried off from the morning's run :) - i'm such a dirty boy - hehe.

Another Messy Night

2005-05-17T06:44:00.000Z

Sleep was uneasy again last night. More unrest before falling asleep and again i woke up, seemingly for no reason this time, at around 3am. I hope this doesn't develop into a habit.

*YAWN*

6-37am... i'm already late for my run. And it's sunny outside. I had hoped it would be raining this morning. I love the rain - always lifts my spirits especially when i wake up to it. Honest.

*YAWN*

OK - time to go for a 40min run. Hope the ensuing shot of endorphins to the brain helps lift me outta this sour mood i'm in. I'm having mood swings galore here - only swinging between euphoria and depression though it would seem. Denial and realisation? :/

Where are my sweat bands?

pookie's killing floor

It's All Over :|

1 MORE TO GO!!!!!!!

2 Down, 4 To Go

Misconceptions Ahoy

Draining bathtubs/toilets

Note-to-self

It's Not Easy To Revise When The Sun Is Shining Outside

shut - up

Procrastination is a Bitch

For Tomas

Skipping Uni Today

Imagine If I Told You

"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Maiden"

Coffee Shop Girl

Retail Therapy - MAIDEN Style!

Bugger!

Life Is But a Game

Oh-KAY

"Tonight For Your Listening Pleasure, We Shall Bring You Some Heavy Metal, Some Death Metal... And... Some COCK ROCK"

Just Got Back

Wow...

She's Back!

Bowling Tourney, PART II

So Much for the Perfect Week

The End To a Tiring Week

The 'Perfect' Week

Mister T. Knows All

"Early To Bed, Early To Rise..."

Pictures

Coffee Shop Girl

Oh Yea!

Email To Friends

Sad Sunday

Oh Arash... You Silly Boy

Blimey

My GAWD!

Stuff

Pinch, Punch...

Oh Fuck

God I'm Bored

I Can't Sleep

Hmmm....

Flippin' Heck

Oh, I Forgot To Mention -

Freak Me Baby!

Live & Learn

I Wish I Was a Rockstar

I Like My Job

Shitty Friday Morning

Friday, Already????

Hmf... *annoyed*

Wow...

knackered

Back From Work... @9-30AM!

Your Careless Notions Have Silenced These Emotions

Frumpy Blabberings of a Tired Pookie

YEA!!!

Old Love Letters

Phew... What a Night

BBQ

A Sad Day

Recognise My Loneliness

Wet & Windy Tuesday

One Day Down, Plenty More To Go

New Month, New Beginning

Ending Credits

Bubble-Wrap Your Mishaps

Sunday

Saturday

Friday

Thursday

Wednesday

Tuesday

Monday

My Boxers and I...

I Close My Eyes, Ignore the Smoke, Ignore the Smoke, Ignore the Smoke

So Let Us Not Talk Falsely Now, The Hour's Getting Late

Reason, Romance and Regret

Hangovers, Tennis & Changes

Hmf... annoyed

~ Happy Birthday Silja ~